...some reflections...

Sometimes I get scared. You know the saying, "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is"? Well, that's what plays in my head sometimes in negative moments, especially when we're apart.

This relationship is going so well. And don't get me wrong, it is. Nothing bad has happened. But I just worry. I know it's normal, but I'm scared that something stupid is going to happen to derail this. Even something I can't control, like an accident or a natural disaster that will hurt one of us or do something to cause us to be apart for longer. I can't help it. We get along so well, we love each other so much, my cynical personality is just WAITING for something to go wrong.

He's supposed to move here in May, and he hasn't told his friends or family yet. That bothered me. Makes it seem not real, like it's not going to happen. I understand that he's nervous. It's a big move, it's basically moving his whole life, but he always seemed eager about doing it and said how much he always loved being up here. I know he wants to be with me, but when he talks about his fears or concerns and when I find out he didn't tell the people in Texas that he's moving, it makes me think it's not going to happen, and I start an argument. It's not fair of me, but I also can't help the way it makes me feel and how scared it makes me. This is the person I want to marry, the person I want to have a family with, and thinking about us not being together scares the hell out of me. I just want him to move here in May and I want us to start our life together. I know he wants to come here, and it's normal for him to be a bit scared by that, and I should let him and comfort him. Tonight, I totally did NOT do that. Instead I got upset and cried and demanded he comfort me. That wasn't the best idea, and I feel bad about it now. I know he's a great guy, he's the BEST guy in the world. I want him to be happy, and dammit, I REALLY hope that being with me is what makes him happy.

Just needed to write a bit to get stuff out. Thanks for reading, the very very few of you that continue to do so.

<3

Quick update...

It's been over a month since I've written...I'm sorry!! I said I would try to update this more often, but obviously I've sucked at fulfilling that promise.

Well, it's 2011 already...crazy! Christmas was wonderful, because Jay was here from Christmas Eve all the way up until Jan 5th. This was the longest visit ever, and definitely the best. They just keep getting better and better.

This time, we went to campus to talk to someone about him transferring up here. According to them it doesn't sound like it would be a problem, but he will have to wait until May to do so. That sucks, but I know that it's best. Not only will he be able to finish out his year, but summer will give us much more time to get him moved and get settled in than the winter break would have. So, in May, the plan is for him to move up here and attend school here next fall.

That being said, I simply cannot wait until May. I am so excited for him to move here and so stressed out that he's not here now. Things are still wonderful between us, but I find myself getting more and more lonely for him and missing him more every time we have a visit. I guess that's a good thing. When Matt and I had our visits, I kept wanting to leave earlier and earlier each time I saw him. This time, when I had to let Jay go on the 5th, I was basically inconsolable the entire day. I couldn't help it, thinking about going home to a house that didn't have him in it just filled me with dread. I honestly just want to start our lives together as soon as possible. I didn't think I would ever meet someone this perfect for me, and have a relationship this amazing, but now that I have, I just want to be with him. Being apart so much just feels like an enormous waste of time.

Everything else is going well. I may graduate in May (yay!!!) and work is, well...work. Everyone else is doing well, including the kitties, and my health is still good.

Not sure what else I know...I'll try to write more!!

...well an airplane's faster than a Cadillac, and a whole lot smoother than a camel's back, but I don't care how you get to me, just get to me...

Hello everyone. As I write this I'm laying in bed with my laptop, watching Monday Night Football with peppermint candles burning. Pretty good stuff. I have off tomorrow, which is awesome, but I'm still not all that happy. Yesterday was rough, because of work, and today I really miss Jay.

It sucks being so far away from each other. It's just not normal, being around a person every single minute for five days in a row, and then not seeing them at all for a month or more. It's just not the best way to maintain a relationship.

We were talking yesterday about him moving, and he proposed the idea of finishing out his school YEAR down there at UNT and then moving up here after that in May. To be honest, that suggestion brought me to tears. Although it might be the easiest in some respects, it would be the hardest in others. We both go on and on about how agonizing it is to be away from each other, it would be even more horrible to do it for six more months. I don't want to even think about that, let alone do it. I want him here. I feel like we're wasting time being away from each other when that's all we want. Jay and I know better than a lot of people that life is short and you should make as much of it as you can, and being together would be making the most of it. I want to be happy, and I'm happiest when I'm with him. It just makes sense. Everyone loves him, he loves it here, he's not too fond of Texas, and he doesn't have all that much holding him there. In fact, he told me last night that before his dad passed away, he was planning on moving up to South Dakota anyway.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, at least a little bit. I know things will work out with him, I know this is different than any other relationship has ever been, but in light of what I have gone through, I'm still a little scared. But hell, so is he. I think it would be a worse sign if we WEREN'T scared, because we wouldn't be being realistic. Trust me, I have looked as hard as I can for red flags, for strange, scary quirks, for ANYTHING that would unsettle me about him. There isn't anything. Not ONE thing. I've known him for over three years, he's been here twice and I've been there once, and nothing has rubbed me the wrong way or gotten me suspicious or apprehensive. My family and friends really like him, the cats like him, and of course, I love him to death. He's funny and smart and adorable and thoughtful and respectful and loving and wonderful. He's really just the most amazing person, and he's absolutely perfect for me. We're perfect for each other.

Now can you see why I just want him HERE?

...I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be...

Hey everyone. Not feeling the best right now. I got back about two hours ago from dropping Jay off at the airport so he could catch his plane back to Dallas. I hate those times. Right now I'm back at home, laying in bed, feeling pretty numb. I know tonight though, when I try to go to sleep and he's not here, it's going to hit me and I'll get upset.

Things are so natural when he's here. It feels like home. Well, of course, it IS home, but you know what I mean. He fits in so nicely with everything and everyone here, much more nicely than anyone else I have dated. And more importantly, he and I get along incredibly well. There are no weird things, weird quirks that have popped up, like that asshole Matt had. I mean, there are weird things with Jay, like the fact that he'll randomly start to beatbox, or talk in a strange accent, but those are all perfect, because I do things like that too! We also see eye-to-eye on everything political, religious, and all that jazz. It's awesome. On the way to the airport, even though it was a somber trip, we just talked and talked about anything and everything. It's so easy to be around him. He's such a wonderful, caring, thoughtful person, and he treats me like gold. He's amazing. I just wish he could get up here to live ASAP. With school it's difficult, transferring and such, but it feels like we're wasting so much time that we could be spending together. I guess it's probably because of my past, but I'm so afraid that something is going to go wrong, something environmental or random or stupid, that will ruin everything. As I write that, though, I am getting word that he has landed safely in Dallas, so that is one big sigh of relief. I'm hoping he can make another trip here for Christmas. Right now it's more feasible that he come here during a break from school, considering he doesn't also have a job to worry about, and it's hard for me to get away for long periods of time, especially during this time of year. Luckily he loves it here, or seems to, and he fits in so well with my friends and family. I can't emphasize that enough, that's so important to me. Matt was so incredibly awkward to be around, my family and friends bristled at that and at him because he was just so strange, and it's nice that Jay just seems to blend right in like he's been there forever.

Bo sat on his lap today. I know that's a little thing, but Bo very very rarely sits on anybody's lap (except Mommy's, of course.) It was just another little something that was cute, that my babies, especially the skiddish one, loves him too. And he loves them, he's so sweet, talks to them and pets them and doesn't even care about the cat hair. It's awesome.

i just want him here so we can get our life going, together. It sucks that he's so far away. I don't want him to uproot his life, but it's very easy for us to fly there to visit, and to fly his friends up for a visit as well. In this day in age, it's pretty easy to conduct friendships long-distance. Relationship, not so much. I mean, Jason and I do as good of a job as anyone can, I think, but they're still no walk in the park. Something like him leaving stays with me for a long long time, and I'll be upset and clingy and such probably for the next five days. After that it dulls a little, of course, but I would feel a lot better if we started making plans, plans for another visit, plans for a move, something. I just need something.

I think I'll lay in bed, watch trashy TV, and eat Krispy Kremes.

I'll update again soon.

...it's been months!!!

It's been FOREVER since I've blogged!! I apologize, I'm going to try to do it more. Work and school have just been busy, but I'm definitely going to write more often.

I'm still doing well, sickness-wise, which is amazing, not only because of how well I feel, but because of the fact that there is still no guesses as to what happened to make me so sick. It's officially been declared that it's not Wegener's Disease, it's nothing auto-immune, and I just had bloodwork done and it's all perfect. Whatever I had that almost killed me three different times left no residual effects, and I've been off of medication alltogether for 45 days and counting.

Right now, life is great. I have two classes this semester, one is advanced fiction, and I'm loving it. I'm getting some really good stuff written, even a story about the night I was abused (slightly fictionalized, of course.) Besides that, though, I really don't think about that or Matt Harris very much. I haven't heard anything from him or about him in a very long time, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way.

Jason and I are doing very well. He came here to visit in September, and we got along great, and the family and my friends loved him. I went down to Texas in October to spend some time with him there and meet his friends, and that visit went very well also. As I write this, in three days, he's taking another trip up here, and I can't wait. It's so hard being apart, and that is really the only 'problem' in our relationship. The tiny conflicts (if you can even call them that) we have are all distance-related, as in not having enough time to talk, or other plans cutting into our phone time, etc, etc. Other than that, everything has been fabulous. We're working on him being able to move up here to live soon, and I'm hoping those plans fall into place sooner than later. Being apart gets harder and harder everytime we have another visit. We get a taste of how being together is, we're around each other nonstop for days in a row, and we love it, then we're ripped apart again. It's so difficult. I have to say, though, we're handling it so well. As hard as it is, we're both trying our hardest to maintain our wonderful communication, and I think we're doing it well, and it really doesn't seem that hard. I think it's because our relationship is so easy and natural that we can handle anything. :)

What else is good...GREEN BAY PACKERS!! lol It's important to mention that we are now 6-3 and at the top of our division. What's even better is that poor little Brett Favre is 3-6 and we already beat them once...we play them again next week when Jay is here, and he can fully experience a Packer Sunday, and against the Vikings especially! Last time he was here he went home on Sunday and the Pack happened to have a Monday night game. So I'm really excited to be able to watch a game with him. :) I'm excited to do everything with him!!

I will write more, I promise, but there's a little update for everyone!! <3

The Controller Checklist

This is unpleasant to write, not only because I don't like to drudge up old memories, but also because I feel so stupid for falling for this shit in the first place. But I was at work tonight, and I was remembering all of these little subtle controlling things that Matt used to pull on me, and I wanted to chronicle them.

Anyway, this is for myself, so I can reference it if I ever need to, and for anyone else I know that comes up in the future who has these problems with a crazy controlling man. At first, these things seem harmless, even a little sweet, like he's trying to "take care of you", but it soon becomes obvious that it's all about CONTROL.

1. Eating Habits

Believe it or not, he had a SERIOUS obsession with what I ate. If I didn't have fruits and vegetables every day, I was in trouble. If I went to a fast food restaurant, he would ask what I was getting and even suggest getting something else.

2. Sleeping Habits

Before he even moved here, when we lived over six hundred miles apart, Matt would tell me that I should start getting up early, whether I had to or not, in order to be able to be available for him and work around his hours.

3. Friends

I "had to" get rid of a couple male friends of mine, even though they lived pretty far away, because Matt wasn't "comfortable" with them.

4. Physically Forceful

Even though he never hurt me like that before that night, he was always rough when he would try to give me a hug, or sometimes, he would pull me down onto the couch next to him because he wanted me to sit there, whether I wanted to or not. It didn't matter if I wanted a backrub or not, when he decided he was going to give me one, he would MAKE ME lay down and have a backrub. When it happens like that, it's not soothing or sweet, it's scary. It's controlling.

5. Telling Me How To Dress

Anyone who knows me know I like to be comfortable. At first, Matt said he liked who I was and how I was, but slowly that began to change. He would tell me he would rather I wear jeans, even if I was lounging around at home all day long, rather than sweatpants. He could never really give me a good reason why, except that I should wear jeans because he preferred it. Yeah, right.

6. Birth Control

Firstly, I didn't want to go on birth control. I hadn't been on it in the past, other forms of protection were used, but he refused this and said I should go on birth control. ("Should" is a common word these controlling people use.) Then, when I agreed to go on it and picked the method I wanted, he wanted me to use an interuterine device (IUD) instead of what I chose. I repeatedly said no, and he continued to suggest this. Luckily, I never listened.





These are just the things I thought of tonight while I was at work, and I'm sure there are more. I just think it's so creepy now how I looked past these things...

Luckily, I'm in love with someone who would never, EVER try ANYTHING like this. <3

...hey fat girl, come here, are you ticklish?

Yo bitches, what's going on? Not much here. Just watching the first preseason game of the 2010 NFL season, and I have to say, I'm pretty pumped about it. So far it's not very good, it's halftime and there have already been ten punts, but hey, it's football!! The Pack plays on Saturday night, and luckily I don't work so I can see it. I've missed seeing those boys tear up the field!!

Things are going well. I'm still working, and slowly tapering off the Prednisone. I have taken the liberty of lowering myself down to 10mg, since I can't seem to get in to see my doctors without trouble. I was supposed to see my nephrologist on Friday, but someone ended up getting very sick and he needed to tend to them instead. We rescheduled instead for this coming Friday, so I'll just TELL him at that point that I'm down to ten. Hell, I have so many doctors, they can barely keep track of who lowers what or who prescribes what. What's that old adage...too many cooks spoil the broth? Definitely know what they mean, now.

Things are going well with Jay and me. We're taking things slow, seeing how we get along, which so far is awesome. I don't know what I expected, we've always gotten along super well. We're so much alike, yet we have enough of our own interests to keep things exciting. He's so good and so sincere, and he's cool with the fact that it's going to be hard for me for a while in light of what I went through with my last relationship. Obviously that problem lies with Matt, not with me, but obviously I'm still affected somewhat by the trauma I went through. Jay has always been there for me through everything, and I can't begin to say how much that means to me. Just wish I would have seen it sooner...but luckily he still wants to stick around despite my previous poor choices. :) We're hopefully going to have a visit next month, and then we can see how everything goes in person. As nervous as it makes me to think about a visit (it's always nerve-wracking!!!), I'm really excited to be able to be near him. I find myself missing him quite frequently...it's a strange sensation to miss someone you've never met!! <3

Work's going well, despite the drama with a certain woman who seems to always be creating it. My boss is really getting fed up, to the point where I think he's even having a problem with his blood pressure. Not cool. This woman is in her mid-forties, yet acts like a sixteen-year-old high school girl spreading rumors. I'm not the focus of her wrath this time, but I have been in the past and it's not fun. She's always gotten away with it up until this point, but this time she's screwing up too much and it's going to end up coming back to bite her. After almost dying, some things seem so much more petty to me than they did before. I mean, once your shift is over, what happened at the store isn't going to matter. Get over it and quit stressing yourself out over stupid shit. You don't know what's going to happen to yourself or your loved ones tomorrow, you could literally wake up and be dying, or find out that someone you care about isn't there anymore. But this woman has had everything basically handed to her that she doesn't even think to worry about those things. She's also one of those hypocritical Christians that thinks she can be a bitch 24/7 then go to church and everything's fine. I cannot stand those types of people, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Whenever she has a few days off of work, like has been the case for my past couple shifts, everything is so much more calm and stress-free. Hopefully she does something shitty enough to have them ask her to leave.

Anyway, not much else to say...I'll keep updating this thing, although I don't know why, I find my life quite boring. :-P