This is unpleasant to write, not only because I don't like to drudge up old memories, but also because I feel so stupid for falling for this shit in the first place. But I was at work tonight, and I was remembering all of these little subtle controlling things that Matt used to pull on me, and I wanted to chronicle them.
Anyway, this is for myself, so I can reference it if I ever need to, and for anyone else I know that comes up in the future who has these problems with a crazy controlling man. At first, these things seem harmless, even a little sweet, like he's trying to "take care of you", but it soon becomes obvious that it's all about CONTROL.
1. Eating Habits
Believe it or not, he had a SERIOUS obsession with what I ate. If I didn't have fruits and vegetables every day, I was in trouble. If I went to a fast food restaurant, he would ask what I was getting and even suggest getting something else.
2. Sleeping Habits
Before he even moved here, when we lived over six hundred miles apart, Matt would tell me that I should start getting up early, whether I had to or not, in order to be able to be available for him and work around his hours.
3. Friends
I "had to" get rid of a couple male friends of mine, even though they lived pretty far away, because Matt wasn't "comfortable" with them.
4. Physically Forceful
Even though he never hurt me like that before that night, he was always rough when he would try to give me a hug, or sometimes, he would pull me down onto the couch next to him because he wanted me to sit there, whether I wanted to or not. It didn't matter if I wanted a backrub or not, when he decided he was going to give me one, he would MAKE ME lay down and have a backrub. When it happens like that, it's not soothing or sweet, it's scary. It's controlling.
5. Telling Me How To Dress
Anyone who knows me know I like to be comfortable. At first, Matt said he liked who I was and how I was, but slowly that began to change. He would tell me he would rather I wear jeans, even if I was lounging around at home all day long, rather than sweatpants. He could never really give me a good reason why, except that I should wear jeans because he preferred it. Yeah, right.
6. Birth Control
Firstly, I didn't want to go on birth control. I hadn't been on it in the past, other forms of protection were used, but he refused this and said I should go on birth control. ("Should" is a common word these controlling people use.) Then, when I agreed to go on it and picked the method I wanted, he wanted me to use an interuterine device (IUD) instead of what I chose. I repeatedly said no, and he continued to suggest this. Luckily, I never listened.
These are just the things I thought of tonight while I was at work, and I'm sure there are more. I just think it's so creepy now how I looked past these things...
Luckily, I'm in love with someone who would never, EVER try ANYTHING like this. <3
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
...hey fat girl, come here, are you ticklish?
Yo bitches, what's going on? Not much here. Just watching the first preseason game of the 2010 NFL season, and I have to say, I'm pretty pumped about it. So far it's not very good, it's halftime and there have already been ten punts, but hey, it's football!! The Pack plays on Saturday night, and luckily I don't work so I can see it. I've missed seeing those boys tear up the field!!
Things are going well. I'm still working, and slowly tapering off the Prednisone. I have taken the liberty of lowering myself down to 10mg, since I can't seem to get in to see my doctors without trouble. I was supposed to see my nephrologist on Friday, but someone ended up getting very sick and he needed to tend to them instead. We rescheduled instead for this coming Friday, so I'll just TELL him at that point that I'm down to ten. Hell, I have so many doctors, they can barely keep track of who lowers what or who prescribes what. What's that old adage...too many cooks spoil the broth? Definitely know what they mean, now.
Things are going well with Jay and me. We're taking things slow, seeing how we get along, which so far is awesome. I don't know what I expected, we've always gotten along super well. We're so much alike, yet we have enough of our own interests to keep things exciting. He's so good and so sincere, and he's cool with the fact that it's going to be hard for me for a while in light of what I went through with my last relationship. Obviously that problem lies with Matt, not with me, but obviously I'm still affected somewhat by the trauma I went through. Jay has always been there for me through everything, and I can't begin to say how much that means to me. Just wish I would have seen it sooner...but luckily he still wants to stick around despite my previous poor choices. :) We're hopefully going to have a visit next month, and then we can see how everything goes in person. As nervous as it makes me to think about a visit (it's always nerve-wracking!!!), I'm really excited to be able to be near him. I find myself missing him quite frequently...it's a strange sensation to miss someone you've never met!! <3
Work's going well, despite the drama with a certain woman who seems to always be creating it. My boss is really getting fed up, to the point where I think he's even having a problem with his blood pressure. Not cool. This woman is in her mid-forties, yet acts like a sixteen-year-old high school girl spreading rumors. I'm not the focus of her wrath this time, but I have been in the past and it's not fun. She's always gotten away with it up until this point, but this time she's screwing up too much and it's going to end up coming back to bite her. After almost dying, some things seem so much more petty to me than they did before. I mean, once your shift is over, what happened at the store isn't going to matter. Get over it and quit stressing yourself out over stupid shit. You don't know what's going to happen to yourself or your loved ones tomorrow, you could literally wake up and be dying, or find out that someone you care about isn't there anymore. But this woman has had everything basically handed to her that she doesn't even think to worry about those things. She's also one of those hypocritical Christians that thinks she can be a bitch 24/7 then go to church and everything's fine. I cannot stand those types of people, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Whenever she has a few days off of work, like has been the case for my past couple shifts, everything is so much more calm and stress-free. Hopefully she does something shitty enough to have them ask her to leave.
Anyway, not much else to say...I'll keep updating this thing, although I don't know why, I find my life quite boring. :-P
Things are going well. I'm still working, and slowly tapering off the Prednisone. I have taken the liberty of lowering myself down to 10mg, since I can't seem to get in to see my doctors without trouble. I was supposed to see my nephrologist on Friday, but someone ended up getting very sick and he needed to tend to them instead. We rescheduled instead for this coming Friday, so I'll just TELL him at that point that I'm down to ten. Hell, I have so many doctors, they can barely keep track of who lowers what or who prescribes what. What's that old adage...too many cooks spoil the broth? Definitely know what they mean, now.
Things are going well with Jay and me. We're taking things slow, seeing how we get along, which so far is awesome. I don't know what I expected, we've always gotten along super well. We're so much alike, yet we have enough of our own interests to keep things exciting. He's so good and so sincere, and he's cool with the fact that it's going to be hard for me for a while in light of what I went through with my last relationship. Obviously that problem lies with Matt, not with me, but obviously I'm still affected somewhat by the trauma I went through. Jay has always been there for me through everything, and I can't begin to say how much that means to me. Just wish I would have seen it sooner...but luckily he still wants to stick around despite my previous poor choices. :) We're hopefully going to have a visit next month, and then we can see how everything goes in person. As nervous as it makes me to think about a visit (it's always nerve-wracking!!!), I'm really excited to be able to be near him. I find myself missing him quite frequently...it's a strange sensation to miss someone you've never met!! <3
Work's going well, despite the drama with a certain woman who seems to always be creating it. My boss is really getting fed up, to the point where I think he's even having a problem with his blood pressure. Not cool. This woman is in her mid-forties, yet acts like a sixteen-year-old high school girl spreading rumors. I'm not the focus of her wrath this time, but I have been in the past and it's not fun. She's always gotten away with it up until this point, but this time she's screwing up too much and it's going to end up coming back to bite her. After almost dying, some things seem so much more petty to me than they did before. I mean, once your shift is over, what happened at the store isn't going to matter. Get over it and quit stressing yourself out over stupid shit. You don't know what's going to happen to yourself or your loved ones tomorrow, you could literally wake up and be dying, or find out that someone you care about isn't there anymore. But this woman has had everything basically handed to her that she doesn't even think to worry about those things. She's also one of those hypocritical Christians that thinks she can be a bitch 24/7 then go to church and everything's fine. I cannot stand those types of people, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Whenever she has a few days off of work, like has been the case for my past couple shifts, everything is so much more calm and stress-free. Hopefully she does something shitty enough to have them ask her to leave.
Anyway, not much else to say...I'll keep updating this thing, although I don't know why, I find my life quite boring. :-P
Sunday, August 1, 2010
...so gangster, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of, you see...
Well, people have expressed interest in me updating this thing, and even though I think my life is basically pretty boring, I'll do it. lol
I'm back in the swing of things, now. I worked 38 hours this week, and it's like I was never even sick. Unfortunately my doctors, nor my mother, will let me forget I was. I still have to go in for appointments pretty regularly, and this Tuesday I have to go down to Madison to University Hospital in order to get a "second opinion" from a pulmonologist there. In reality, this is probably about my eighth opinion. Of course, Dr. Hatahet, my pulmonologist from up here, is still clinging to this stupid Wegener's disease diagnosis, even though most of my other doctors, including the rheumatologist, have made it clear that it is impossible I have this disease.
I don't mind seeing more doctors, as long as they don't try to do any more procedures. I've had three CT scans, countless X-rays, two bronchoscopies, and three different organ biopsies. If the results of those tests came back negative when I was dying, they will certainly come back negative when I'm back to normal. They can take blood and go over my records with a fine-tooth comb, but they're not getting me in for any more bullshit tests. That may seem childish, but if you were poked and prodded almost incessantly for two months, you'd feel the same way.
What else is new? Matt is effectively flushed out of my system, thank Darwin. He's moved on to another victim -- er, girlfriend -- so he definitely doesn't need to bother me anymore. I tried to warn her via Facebook, but she ignored me, so I guess it's her funeral (literally). She'll see soon enough what kind of person he is. I'm glad he's gone and I don't have to hear him or think about him, but I'm bitter that he hasn't had to suffer like I have.
I've been talking a lot to a friend I've had for a long time, a terrific person that has had feelings for me for quite a while. He's been there for me through everything with Matt, and even before that with Nate, and I think even BEFORE that with whoever else I was with then. lol We've always seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, and apparently I was an idiot and couldn't see that, or I needed to come to it a different way. I don't know, either way, I'm glad I realized it now. He knows that I'm going through a lot right now, and I've GONE THROUGH a lot in the recent past, he's just all about my happiness and taking things slow. That's very refreshing, considering it's another long-distance thing, which can be hard enough in itself. I'm just lucky that he's been there for me and he can see past all the bullshit. <3
Other than that, life is the same. I still live with my sister, I still chill all the time with Sam and Cal, and I'm still in love with my cats. Just working, paying the bills, and waiting for school to start up again. I can't believe it's August already...I guess spending June wasting away and dying really makes the summer fly by. lol
I'll keep everyone updated on my health and the other juicy tidbits of my life...haha.
I'm back in the swing of things, now. I worked 38 hours this week, and it's like I was never even sick. Unfortunately my doctors, nor my mother, will let me forget I was. I still have to go in for appointments pretty regularly, and this Tuesday I have to go down to Madison to University Hospital in order to get a "second opinion" from a pulmonologist there. In reality, this is probably about my eighth opinion. Of course, Dr. Hatahet, my pulmonologist from up here, is still clinging to this stupid Wegener's disease diagnosis, even though most of my other doctors, including the rheumatologist, have made it clear that it is impossible I have this disease.
I don't mind seeing more doctors, as long as they don't try to do any more procedures. I've had three CT scans, countless X-rays, two bronchoscopies, and three different organ biopsies. If the results of those tests came back negative when I was dying, they will certainly come back negative when I'm back to normal. They can take blood and go over my records with a fine-tooth comb, but they're not getting me in for any more bullshit tests. That may seem childish, but if you were poked and prodded almost incessantly for two months, you'd feel the same way.
What else is new? Matt is effectively flushed out of my system, thank Darwin. He's moved on to another victim -- er, girlfriend -- so he definitely doesn't need to bother me anymore. I tried to warn her via Facebook, but she ignored me, so I guess it's her funeral (literally). She'll see soon enough what kind of person he is. I'm glad he's gone and I don't have to hear him or think about him, but I'm bitter that he hasn't had to suffer like I have.
I've been talking a lot to a friend I've had for a long time, a terrific person that has had feelings for me for quite a while. He's been there for me through everything with Matt, and even before that with Nate, and I think even BEFORE that with whoever else I was with then. lol We've always seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, and apparently I was an idiot and couldn't see that, or I needed to come to it a different way. I don't know, either way, I'm glad I realized it now. He knows that I'm going through a lot right now, and I've GONE THROUGH a lot in the recent past, he's just all about my happiness and taking things slow. That's very refreshing, considering it's another long-distance thing, which can be hard enough in itself. I'm just lucky that he's been there for me and he can see past all the bullshit. <3
Other than that, life is the same. I still live with my sister, I still chill all the time with Sam and Cal, and I'm still in love with my cats. Just working, paying the bills, and waiting for school to start up again. I can't believe it's August already...I guess spending June wasting away and dying really makes the summer fly by. lol
I'll keep everyone updated on my health and the other juicy tidbits of my life...haha.
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