devastated

This is just surreal. I don't even know what to say, but I have to write.

Matt assaulted me on Sunday night. He was drunk, he drove home that way from the bar, and when he got there, I told him he needed to stop drinking or it was over. I couldn't take it anymore. He told me to go back to my ex, and called me a whore. I told him to leave, I didn't want to look at him, I wanted him OUT of my house. He told me no. I said I would call the police if he didn't, and he said I couldn't, cuz he had taken my phone. I didn't even notice and I didn't know where he put it. I told him to give me my phone or I would mess with his comics, which he is obsessed with. He wouldn't give it back, so I went to grab some comics and he kicked me in the leg. I told him again to get out, or I would go get my sister's phone and call. He refused again, so I went for the door. At that point he tackled me down on my bed. I screamed in fear, and he held his hand over my nose and mouth, HARD, so I couldn't scream. I couldn't breathe. I pried his fingers off of my face, and he just came back with the other hand and pushed even harder. This went on, over and over, and I reached down and grabbed his balls HARD and twisted. This made him let me up for a bit, then I started to get loud again, so he tackled me back down and was smothering me again. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but my tv was on, the door was shut, and my sister and Luke were in their room with THEIR door shut and THEIR TV on as well. Besides, every time I got out a loud enough scream, he'd be back on my mouth, pushing down so hard. I couldn't breathe, I was so scared.

Finally he let me up because I said I was going to throw up. He followed me into the bathroom and shut and locked us in there together. He was between me and the door so I couldn't try to get out. I was cowering against the wall and crying my eyes out. I was so scared. The entire time, I was pleading with him not to kill me. He thought that was ridiculous. He kept saying, "Why are you doing this? I'm not even hurting you. I'm not abusing you yet." YET. That was the scariest thing I've ever heard. I screamed again for help from the bathroom, then he was back on my mouth, pushing hard and banging my head back against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I started banging on the wall instead to make noise for help, but then he pushed even HARDER. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going to die so many times.

Finally I convinced him to let me out of the bathroom so we could go talk in the bedroom. As we were heading out of the bathroom, I spotted my phone on the floor. He must have dropped it. Behind his back, I crouched down and picked it up. He didn't see me. He went and laid in front of the bathroom door so I couldn't get out. I think he was getting tired. He was drunk, and by that time, he had been on me for almost fifteen minutes, and I was struggling hard the whole time. I leaned against the wall by the half-open closet and stuck my hand in there so it was out of sight. I texted my sister, her boyfriend, and my brother without looking to call 911. About three LONG minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my sister. She said, "Can I talk to Bethany?" He let me out, I told her in a whisper that he hurt me, and she whisked me quickly into her room with Luke and locked the door. We called 911 right away, and I had Luke go and rescue the cats. When we were locked in the room, Matt was at the locked door, trash-talking through it to Luke. He wanted Luke to come out and talk to him 'man-to-man' to get 'his side' of the story. Luke just humored him by talking through the door, since the lady on the phone said not to open it by ANY MEANS. He said he 'knew how to get in', and that he would pick the lock with a pin. Just as he was about to do that, the cops showed up and took him away.

He had to stay in jail overnight, since he suffocated me, he got felony strangulation. He also got two misdemeanors, disorderly conduct and battery. He was in jail overnight, and got out Monday around dinnertime. I don't know much else, considering he cannot contact me for 72 hours.

I'm just so damn sad. I can tell I'm no fun to be around, and unfortunately, poor Sam and Caleb have had to be around me the entire time. If I think for more than ten seconds, I start to sob. I talked briefly to his oldest sister, whom I talk to pretty regularly, and she doesn't know who to believe. That makes me sad, but I guess I know where she's coming from, considering he's her brother. Matt called his parents from jail, and they REFUSE to help him in any way. That should tell you something, if his own parents won't help him. They must think he did something. Also, another term of his release is that he has to maintain absolutely sober the entire time. If he gets caught, he forfeits his bond and goes back to jail until his court date.

The Christine Ann Center has called me. They're a local domestic abuse shelter. They offer some really great services, and I may take advantage of some. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I'm kind of scared to be home, and it makes me sad to see all his things. A lot of times, I really thought I was going to marry this person. I just keep remembering how long I chased him and worked to get him, how much we went through with the distance and the visits, and how things seemed to be coming together, only to have this to happen. This is just so fucking unbelievable. I'm so angry, and so hurt, in every single way possible. There's no way in hell I could ever trust him again. I really don't want to even see him. He always said how he would never hurt me, never cheat on me, never do anything bad...how could THIS even be an option? How could trying to suffocate me have even entered his mind? I told him this drinking would be our downfall. I fucking TOLD HIM, but I didn't think it would be this way. I thought we'd argue over it and end up hating each other, but I never thought he would be so violent.

I'm sore. My jaw is bruised and a bit swollen, and my neck, shoulders, arms, chest, stomach all hurt. It hurts to chew. It hurts to smile (not that I have much) and laugh, and cough. It hurts more to think. I could stand the physical pain if it didn't have all this emotional pain to go with it. I just wish I had been in a car accident or something instead, and I could lay in bed with him and he could hold me and be the sweet amazing person he once was. He loved me. He told me I was beautiful. I thought he meant it. I feel like I'm so damn old. I wanted a husband, and babies, and a stable life. I thought I found it with him, I swear I did. But I was wrong. I'm just in so much fucking shock. I feel like I can't do anything. I put makeup on today and cried it off already. I can't work, I haven't gone to class. Everyone understands, but it makes me feel like such a loser. He already beat me down, now he's taking away everything else. I want his SHIT out of there so I can take back my bedroom, and my bathroom. I don't want to have horrible feelings affiliated with that place anymore. That was MINE, my place, he can't have it. He can beat me down and put me in physical, mental, and emotional pain. He can make me cry, but he cannot have my safe place. I want to feel safe there again, and I don't. Bo knows something is wrong, too. He's acting so sad. He hides in the closet all day. He knows that Mommy's not sleeping there, and he can tell that everything is tense. I hate it. Matt has ruined everything. I cannot believe it. I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

I don't even know what else to say.

no clever title today...

I just feel like I need to let some things out. I don't know if anyone reads this, but it's more for me than for anyone else.

Sometimes I feel like Matt and I are so different. I'm also worried about relying on him in the future, say, in marriage and parenthood. Sometimes he breaks his word on the stupidest little things, but those things really bother me. Also, he refuses to come to watch Wrestlemania with all of us at my brother's house because my ex Nate is going to be there. There are many other people that are coming as well, but Matt doesn't want to be near him.

When we were breaking up, Nate said some angry things to me, and yelled some things in the background when I was on the phone with Matt. I know he's probably not proud of these things, but he never apologized and Matt hates him for that. This was at least eight months ago, and I'm of the mindset that he should already be over it. I am, and it really was my problem more than anyone else's. Matt, however, disagrees, and absolutely, 100% REFUSES to have anything to do with him. This is a problem because Nate is still friends with my friends, and he may be at the same things that I am at, and that Matt would be at. So I asked him, does this mean you won't go to ANYTHING? Weddings, graduations, parties, things like that? He claims he'll go if it's more than a 'small group setting', but I don't know. This may seem like a small thing to other people, but it shows an immaturity that may come up in other things as well. If he holds such a long grudge over something that (I think) is so small, then how is he going to act when faced with bigger, more important matters? He just seems so erratic sometimes, and I don't like that. At this point in my life, I'm thinking about marriage and children, and many things I look at within my relationship, I think, "How will this be with children involved? How will he act with children?" Maybe that's looking too far ahead, but I don't think so. I can't help it, I'm almost 25 and my biological clock is ticking. Is this a man I can rely on? Is this a man who will be there for me during my pregnancy when I want a taco at three a.m.? Is this a man who will get up in the middle of the night to change and feed a crying baby? He once said that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a hard job. My jaw dropped on that one. He has never had to care for a child, or MULTIPLE children, so he does not know how hard it can be. Hell, I only do it once and a while, and SAM is with me, but it's still very difficult and very stressful. And then, at the end of the day, we get to go home. Moms DON'T get to go home. They barely get enough time to grab a shower or a meal before they're running off after their children. I just want him to take things seriously, but I cannot force him. I just don't know if he has his priorities straight. Sometimes I feel like I'm further down the list than I should be. For one thing, he sucks at his cell phone. Half the time he doesn't unsilence it, or even put it on vibrate, so he doesn't get my calls. Sometimes, he knows I'm calling, he just ignores it cuz he's 'busy' or sleeping or something. But what if I needed him? Will that still be the case when I'm pregnant, or have a newborn at home? Those are the things I wonder about. Those things are important to me.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I think getting this out has actually helped me. Thanks for reading, if anyone actually is. I work tomorrow, which sucks because it's Wrestlemania AND I have a huge test to study for, but I work with Donna. I love her. She really listens to me, and we see eye-to-eye on absolutely EVERYTHING. She's just such a great lady. It's wonderful to have people like that in my life.

random thoughts on a sick day...

Well, I've been told that I need to blog more (thanks, Dee :-P), so here goes nothing.

Matt has lived here with me now for over a month, and things are mostly good. We definitely have our bad times, our arguments, but usually we get through them without too much damage done. I just wonder where everything is going to go. Obviously we love each other, but I've been having some trouble with trusting him and doubting his ability to keep his word. There have been a couple of situations (though small) where he has said he was going to do something, then didn't come through. Though most of them were basically trivial things, it still makes me wonder how (or if) he will react in the very important situations where I really need to lean on him. That's always been an issue with me in relationships: whether or not I can depend on the person I am with. Most of the time he does come through, but it's the few times that he does flake out that makes me the most worried. Maybe that's not fair, maybe I need to look at the majority of the time, but isn't it human to be worried about things like that?

I'm getting older, I'm almost 25 now, and I mostly think about what kind of husband and children's father I want. Damn, it seems like everyone on my Facebook friends list is either pregnant or has just had a baby. There are people that are around my age or even younger that already have multiple children. Although their situations may not be the best, it still makes me jealous. Of course I don't want to raise a child by myself, but I do want a life with children, and soon. I'm not going to do anything drastic, obviously, but it is what I want. There's so much shit to worry about. Even if the relationship I have is 100% stable, and amazing, and terrific, that's not enough. There is school, jobs, finances...so much to worry about. I guess I should be happy that I'm responsible enough to worry about these things, that I'm not running out and getting pregnant without a man or anything else stable, but still. I feel like I'm getting so old and I'm never going to have any of these things. I want multiple kids, and I'm getting down to about a ten-year window to have them. They used to say it was dangerous to have kids after 40, now they're saying 35. Maybe in a couple years, it'll be 30! Who knows. I think too much, I think.

Life otherwise is pretty uneventful. My furry feline children are doing well, despite an accident that took a chunk out of Oscar's head. He's healing nicely, though, thanks to Mommy's constant obsessive attention. School is fine, and I will hopefully be done after only one more semester. Work is the same as it has always been, I feel like I do a lot and don't get much in return. Such is the work force though, huh?

I hope this finds everyone well, and I will try to do this on a more regular basis. It really is cathartic.

...all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you...

Wow, I haven't written in forever! A lot has changed, so I definitely should update everyone.



Firstly, and the most important...Matt lives here now! After all of that planning and missing each other and visiting and fighting, he moved here. He was looking for jobs up here for the longest time, and all of a sudden, out of basically nowhere, Walmart found a transfer for him up here, in the electronics department at the Walmart in Appleton, which is only about a 25-minute drive from here.

He got here on February 11, he drove his car and his parents came in their truck with Matt's stuff. The first couple weeks were rough. He didn't like his job, we were having trouble getting used to each other's quirks and ways of living, but as of right now, everything is going much better. We really like spending time with each other, yet we also have our alone time and individual interests. He's been wonderful and happy lately, and always says how glad he is to be here and to be living with me. Those days are great. I think he's getting adjusted just fine, and I understand that that can take some time. I can't imagine moving to another state where I know barely anybody and getting used to everything. I'm trying my best to help him, but I know that sometimes I could definitely be better.

Other than that, which is the major excitement in my life, things are basically normal. School, work, and hanging out with friends and family is what takes up most of my time. The cats are wonderful, and they're slowly warming up to Daddy, who is slowly warming up to them as well. At first he wasn't thrilled with their hair and their virtual domination of the apartment, but he's gotten used to it and now I catch him loving on them pretty often. They're such lovable creatures that it'd be hard not to love them.

I will definitely try to write more in this thing, but it's hard, with work, and two really challenging classes this semester, plus friend time and Matty time. I like to write though, it's cathartic, so I will definitely try to squeeze in at least quick updates.

Hope everyone is well!

...my heart is full and my door's always open, you come anytime you want...

Hey guys. It's been almost a month since I posted, so I figured I'd try to update everyone.

Christmas was good, besides the fact that my flight to Kansas City was cancelled due to their blizzard. Needless to say, I was severely bummed. They cancelled it before I had left for the airport or anything, and I was able to get a flight for the next day without an upcharge, but I was still upset. I just got so used to the idea that I was going to see him THAT NIGHT that it was kind of a blow when I realized I wasn't going to.

It snowed the day after in Milwaukee, but we got down to the airport fine. They had oversold the flight I was supposed to go on (of course) and were offering money and a later flight to people who were willing to give up their seat. I got one of the last three seats on the plane. Whew!

Matt's parents picked me up at the airport in KC, considering I got in around three and Matt had to work until four, then make the over an hour drive up to the airport. It started snowing pretty bad in KC when I got there, so I was lucky that I got a flight, since later ones may have been cancelled. I love his parents, they're so funny and nice and sweet to me. We stopped at Cabela's to get snow boots for the doggie (haha) and then stopped at Sonic on the way home. Matt, that adorable man, kept calling and texting, wondering how close we were to his apartment. It seemed like so long since I had seen him, I could not WAIT to get there and give him the biggest hug and kiss. Since it was snowing, we had to drive really slowly, and so we finally got there around seven. It was so great to see him again!!

The visit went well. On Sunday, as usual, we went to his parents' house to hang out. This time was even more fun, because Matt's oldest sister Jenny and her husband and three boys were in town from St. Louis for Christmas. I had been talking to Jenny through FB for a couple months and was excited to meet her. Her husband and kids are so great, too. Her youngest Kenny, who is five, was just the sweetest little thing. He cozied up to me really quickly, and we had a great day.

Other than that, we spent the rest of the time just hanging out and laying low. I love that, just relaxing with each other and enjoying each other's company. Since then, too, our relationship has been better. We made a New Years' resolution with each other to try super hard not to fight, and to be respectful and considerate of each other. So far, so good. I go again for a visit at the end of this month, he comes here in Feb, and then March, hopefully, is when the BIG MOVE happens! He's nervous, and so am I, but every day he's feeling better about it. As soon as we can find him a job up here, I think he'll be rearing to go even more.

I think it's time that I delete Matt's ex-ife Jessica from my FB friends. Why do I have her on there? Good question, Matt doesn't even have her on there anymore. Her status updates and her profile just get under my skin. Sure, if I didn't have the negative connotation with her that I do, it probably wouldn't bother me, but I can't change it. She's so annoying, and I hate her for what she did to Matt. I suppose, in a way, I should be glad she did it, because now he's mine, but she was horrible to him. She was having a little back-and-forth conversation on one of her status with one of her random FB friends. The guy asked her what was new, and she wrote, "Quit teaching, got divorced, working at Gamestop, and loving life." For some reason, that really bothered me and made me hate her even more. I think I equated the "got divorced" thing with the "loving life," which made me want to hit her in the face. Getting divorced isn't a good thing, and especially not from someone like Matt. I just really dislike her.

Sorry for the rant, I just saw that now and wanted to get that off my chest. I hope everyone's having a great winter...we're getting buried here with the snow...we're actually in the midst of a storm as I write this.

...maybe it's time to come home...

Hey there. Things are going pretty well right now, and I'll try to explain as best I can.

Matty and I are doing very well right now. He has decided to just feel better about things, and be happier, and so far, so good. I had the inventive idea to send him a webcam, and to buy myself one, so that we could chat face-to-face. Even though we talk on the phone multiple times a day, but I figured that seeing each other while we talk would be even better. Turns out, I had a pretty good idea. It's so nice to see his facial expressions, and him smiling, and him laughing. He really likes it too, and it makes me feel so much closer to him.

Also, we have a visit coming up in TWO WEEKS!! Instead of flying there on December 26, as was the original plan, I'm going there on Christmas night instead, because it's about half the price. Also, it will be kind of a Christmas present to each other to be together on that night. I'm really excited, because I FINALLY get to meet his oldest sister, Jenny. We've kept in contact via Facebook, and it will be nice to be able to hang out with her and her family. Also, a good friend of Matty's, his "surrogate mother," is letting him borrow her futon for a while, so that not only will he have a couch we can snuggle on, but we'll also have somewhere more suitable to sleep! Up until now we've been cramming in his twin bed for sleeping, and neither of us sleeps well, and my back hurts for about two weeks after that. It's nice to be close to him, but it'll be even nicer to still be close to him, but to have more room.

School is winding down, and I can't wait for this semester to be over. I liked one class, I hated the other, and I just want to finish them both and get it over with. I'm ready for a break. Even though I have a winterim, Christmas break will be nice. I mostly can't wait to go to Kansas again. I'm getting really excited for the new year, because that makes it closer to March, which means it's almost time for Matty to come up here FOR GOOD. I tell you, once that happens, I will be the most elated that anyone has ever seen me. We're just eager to be together and to start our lives together, really. That's all either of us wants.

Work is going pretty well, probably because I'm in such a good mood over my relationship. For a while it was pretty hectic, and I was pretty on-edge while I was there, but since Matt's moved has improved, so has mine. When he is happy, and sweet, and loving, I feel happy and sweet and loving as well, toward him of course, but toward everyone and everything in life. He really does make me a better person. Lately he's also been worried about us, and wondering why I want to be with him, and whether or not I'm going to leave him. I know it's because of how his marriage ended, and what happened between them, but all I can do is try to show him that I'm not like that. I would never leave him, it breaks my heart to think about him being worried about that. He definitely has nothing to be afraid of.

I'm getting tired, so I guess i'll stop for now and continue later on.

...i thought this place was an empire...

I feel like this blog is going to be out of context, because I haven't updated in quite a while. I wrote one, but I didn't post it, because I thought it might have been to revealing. I guess not too many people read this thing, so it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but for some reason, I'm reluctant.

Anyway, things aren't the greatest right now. Matt's lonely, and depressed, and things are tough between us because of that and because we've fought a lot lately. I get scared, day to day, because I'm not sure how he feels anymore. Sometimes it just feels like he's going to throw in the towel any day and decide it's too hard to do anymore. I told him that in 90 days, he could be here, living with me, and everything would be so much better. When we talk about that, he seems to get happier. But sometimes, I think the bad stuff overwhelms the good for him, and I'm afraid he's going to let that get the best of him and we won't be able to even get through those 90 days and he'll end it before then.

I'm also very worried about his health. His chest has always hurt him once and a while, but lately, it's hurt him more. He drinks too much, and he's decided (and I've pleaded) that he can't do that anymore. He's seriously worried that he might have a heart attack. He's been to doctors over the years, and they can't find anything wrong with his heart, which reassures me, but worries him because they don't know anything. Last night he was at his parents' house (which I think does him a world of good) and he took some aspirin, which is good for pain, and for the heart. We talked for over three hours, and even though we had a bit of a difficult discussion, things went pretty well. His chest got better, so I'm hoping he keeps up with the aspirin and keeps away from the beer. Also, he said he'd make a doctor's appointment, and his mom told him that if he needed help paying for it, they'd help him. She also told him to get out of his lease and move back in with them. That's huge for her. She's been much better ever since Matt moved out. I think she really misses him. She's actually acting like a good mother, and I think that definitely helps. He seems to be in such better spirits when he's at his parents' house. Not only is it comfortable and familiar, but he's around people, too. At his apartment he's always alone, it's cold, and damp, and not very homey for him. I can't wait until his lease is up and he can get up here, with me. I told him I wanted him to come up here as soon as he can, whether or not he finds a job right away. We'll be fine for a while, until he finds a job. Money isn't as important as someone's health and happiness. I know, if he were here, I could take care of him and he would be happier and healthier. That is all that matters. Besides, he hates his job. Why stay somewhere you hate, all alone and sad, to work a job you hate? Makes no sense to me. Sure, I undersatnd responsibility, and making a living, but nothing supercedes health and happiness. Life is too damn short for that.

We have such good days, sometimes, such good talks, and those ALWAYS outshine the bad moments for me. Last night, he asked me if that were the case, which took me back a little, because I always thought I made that obvious. Apparently I have a lot of things to work on, too. But as long as the good outshines the bad, we'll be fine. I don't plan on going anywhere.

That's where things are, right now. Back and forth, up and down...but that's a relationship, right? The next time I'll be able to go there is December 26, and we'll see how that goes.