not sure about this...

Hey guys, I'm not sure I have a ton to blog about today, but since I'm bored I figured why the hell not?

Last night I was a bit put off because the person for whom I have some unsure feelings (let's call him M) didn't call, and he usually does at least once a day. For some reason, perhaps because I had had a bad couple of days, this really upset me. Turns out he worked late last night and had to work early this morning, which I knew, so he just went right to bed. In light of the conversation we had had Tuesday night this unsettled me. I wrote him a Facebook message explaining my thoughts, and I'm not sure this was a good idea. I hate putting myself out there like that; making myself vulnerable and letting people know how I feel. He already has enough of an upper hand in this "relationship" of ours, the last thing I need is to give him even MORE.

Things with Nate are a little strange too. Sometimes I find myself missing him, and his presence makes me feel comforted. But I know that we weren't happy together, and I'm wondering if we ever could be or if it would always be this feeling of comfort and safety. That is necessary to have in a relationship, obviously, but you need more than that, right?

I talked to M on the phone tonight, and I have to admit, I was a little bit sassy. I'm sure it was left over anger/sadness from the Tuesday night phone call, and he definitely picked up on it. He battled this sassiness with little quips about "reconciling" with his ex-wife, which definitely got under my skin, as I'm sure he intended it to. I asked him why he called me early instead of after nine when his free minutes kicked in, and he said that he wanted to show me that he cared about me by using his minutes on me. Little things like that definitely make me remember why he and I have such a good rapport, I just DETEST this thing with his ex. I mean, I want him to be happy, but I also want ME to be happy. He told me that he wants me to come visit REGARDLESS of what happens between them, but that's insane. I mean, all I'm going down there for is to hang out, I don't expect anything else to happen, but I don't think it's proper for some girl from the internet to come and visit a married man. Also, I don't want him to get sucked back into her ridiculous shit again and get hurt another time...the last time almost killed him.

I wish things were simple. It would be ideal if everything would work out with Nate, but I can't make myself feel happy if I'm not, and neither can he. Also I don't know if M and I could work out, but I don't want that chance to crash before it even had a chance to get off the ground.

On another negative front, I feel like I'm losing my Canadian friends. Dyl's always there for me, and he and I talk regularly which I LOVE, but I also miss the rest of them. Marc actually responded with concern to reading my last post, which I appreciate so much. They're such a great group of guys but I feel like we don't talk nearly as much as we used to before I visited there in March. I basically have to beat Neil about the head to get him to talk at all, and Sean is never online to talk, and I never get texts from him anymore asking me to call. I think he's too busy with Kim or whoever to care that we're not talking. All in all it makes me feel shitty. I know life and friendships and relationships go in cycles, but that doesn't mean I have to lose my friends, does it? I certainly hope not.

Tomorrow's Friday, then the weekend. I have off Sunday, but a co-worker is bugging me to work for him. Not sure if I'm going to do it yet. I need the money, but I was looking forward to having it off.

The pic at the top is of my kittens. Oscar is on the right and Olivia is on the left. Liv is sitting on my lap as I write this, and I don't know how I'd live without them. They love me no matter what and I know they'll always be there. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true.

Let's get this show on the road.....

Let's see, my first post on Blogspot...let's start it off with some cheerfulness!!...or not.

Things aren't going well at the moment. Nate and I broke up because we're not happy. Of course, since I was the one to set these breakup wheels into motion, it's apparently my fault, even though he admitted he wasn't happy either. I love when that happens. Of course we live together, which brings up many more problems than the common breakup usually does. Our lease is up in August, but to tell you the truth, I don't want to go anywhere. I'd even live with him as a friend. although that would probably be weird for a while. I think he would have a lot harder time with it than I would. I love this apartment so much, it's beautiful and big, the cats love it, and I'm settled in and comfy here. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too, but breaking up is traumatic enough without uprooting everything else, right? Maybe I'm just naive.

There are also problems with another person in my life, a person for whom I have some unsure feelings. Things have been going just beautifully until last night, when a 10pm phone call dropped the bombshell that there MAY be an impending reconciliation with his soon-to-be ex-wife. I've been playing a dual role with this guy, and it's hard to maintain this when things like that come up. On one side I'm his best friend, and on the other side, I am this fun, unsure flirtation with whom he has a "rapport" of sorts. I just really hate having to fulfill one role while the other one prevents me from doing so. For example last night I wanted to give him advice while wearing the "best friend" hat, but then, of course, these unsure "feelings" of mine crept in and slightly sabotaged that. And the fact that he was so elated about it made it even worse. I don't want to begrudge him his happiness, what kind of best friend would that make me? But on the other hand I don't want him to be hurt again, and I also don't want to forego any chance that he and I might have, slim as that chance may be.

Then there's money. Well, money isn't technically the problem, it's the lack of it. I'm feeling the burn of this economy, and the one part-time job I have isn't cutting it. I've been looking for a second one, but there seems to be nothing out there. I guess all I can do is keep looking until I find something and rely on the help of my mother until then. I hate that more than anything, but what else can I do?

I don't know about me and Nate either. I don't want to hurt him, he's such a great person, and he's one of my very very best friends. And I know that with him I would be safe and taken care of, but if we're not happy then none of that even matters! I wish I could explain that to people because some of them still don't seem to get it. I want to be HAPPY, not just content and comfortable. Am I right, or like my friend would say, is that idea too quixotic?