i can feel the world shake from the words that i've said...

I haven't written in a while, but I need to get some things out. It seems like the best outlet in the world, for me, is to write, so that's what I'm going to do.

I just got back, on Wednesday, from my second visit to Kansas. It went well, although we argued a bit more than usual. He was in his new apartment, so I was able to be there with him, and it was much more home-y than a hotel room. It was the first time he had stayed there overnight, so it was nice to experience that with him.

Since I've gotten back home, though, things haven't been so great. I felt so bad leaving him there, at his place, because since he had just started staying there, he wasn't used to being there without me. And besides that, I left my hair and smell all over his house. lol Of course, I'm upset for myself, but at the same time, I'm constantly worried about how he's feeling. On Wednesday, the day I went home, he was missing me very much. Thursday seemed to be even worse, and at night before we got off the phone, he was telling me that I didn't love him, and that I was annoyed with him, because I was trying to get him off the phone so he could sleep. He says he was joking, but I knew there was some truth behind it. That made me feel bad.

Yesterday, it seemed like he was still negative about things. We got into an argument on Friday night, which turned slowly but surely into a fight. He was bringing up things about my life around here, and he seemed to think of most of them in quite a negative light. I got defensive, and we started to fight.

It got later and later, and he got more and more tired. I knew it was late, and he needed to get to bed, but the more upset I got, the more I wanted to discuss things and work it out. It got to the point where he was literally screaming at me because he wanted to get off the phone and go to bed. I ended up hanging up on him. I was absolutely floored, I had never heard him react like that in my life.

Today, things weren't much better. He blamed me for the fight last night, and told me that it was my fault that I didn't let him go to bed. I accepted fault, but I told him it takes two people to fight, and that he wasn't entirely blameless. We got into yet another fight, and he told me he wanted to take a break from talking to me and go to his friends' house for a Halloween get-together. I told him I wasn't okay with that, that I didn't want to go another night of agony without resolving things.

We took a couple more minutes on the phone, and things ended up kind of okay, although I was in tears, then broke down into sobs after hanging up. I don't want to act like a crazy person. I don't want to be upset. But it seems like the more visits we have, the worse we do at being apart. I know that this situation isn't ideal. I know that sometimes, it sucks. But we started our relationship based upon our awesome communication, and I don't think there's any reason that we have to let that die. Sure, we crave each other's touch, and the comfort that comes with each other's physical presence. We love it so much, it's amazing. But we can also remember it, and imagine it, and talk about it on the phone until we can have it again.

We both know these things, but it's so easy to get frustrated and let it get the best of us. Writing helps me realize these things, and I know he knows them, too. We just forget. Even though we're loving, smart, and amazing humans, we're still humans. Also, we're both so damn proud, and it's hard for us to swallow our pride and let our guards down, admit how we feel, and apologize. It's so important, and usually we end at that, but we both have our fair share of stubbornness to get through, first. I think I've gotten through mine.

It's nice, though, that during the angriest of fights, during the meanest of times, we can still (begrudgingly) admit that we love each other, and always will. It's a beautiful thing to know that, no matter what, we are both in this for the long haul. Ending things aren't an option. There's a security there that I've never had before, and we both know that each other is the one.

That's something soft and comfortable that I'll lay my head on, tonight.

fair (adj.) - Moderately good; acceptable or satisfactory

I'm used to having control over things. I have no idea what to do when I lose that control, when I feel completely helpless, so I'm writing. Writing is all I know how to do to process things.

I feel, literally, like I've been beat up. I think I have bronchitis again, but that's the underlying problem, right now. Right at the forefront is the fact that this morning, I woke up in Kansas next to the love of my life, and right now, not even twelve hours later, I'm sitting on my couch in Wisconsin.

I guess I should probably go over (most of) the specifics of the visit, since I'm assuming most of you are reading this for that. I'll indulge you.

My flight was on time, better yet, it was early. It was supposed to take 1hr30mins, instead, we landed after barely an hour. I was hoping I had beat Matt to the KC airport, so I could have time to freak out a bit, but I called him and he was already there. I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and we talked on the phone, until I was pretty sure he was outside the bathroom I was in. I went out there, and sure enough, there he was.

He was gorgeous. I didn't know what to do, so I hugged him, hard. Then, when we pulled back, we hugged again. I was so nervous, and overwhelmed, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. We walked hand-in-hand to the baggage claim, and I grabbed my suitcase off the rotating thingie, and he wheeled it for me and we went outside.

I could barely look at him. It was just so strange, and looking back on it now, a mere four days later, it seems ridiculous to have felt that way. We got into the car, and I finally looked at him, and we kissed a few times. So wonderful. I was flustered, and blushing, and I know I was talking a mile a minute, but I couldn't stop.

We finally got on the road, and I still had a hard time looking at him. Soon enough, though, he flipped up the armrests and had me come snuggle up under his arm with my head on his shoulder. That almost immediately calmed me down, it was amazing. It was obvious, then, that this was the person I knew so well, that I was in love with, that I was going to marry. This was Matty, not some stranger who picked me up at the airport.

We decided to go straight to his parents' house instead of stopping at my hotel first, so then I went from relaxed right back to nervous. I was wary about meeting them, for a few different reasons, but mostly because they were his parents.

That ended up being fine. They were cool, and his mom made tacos. I was too nervous to eat, so I just sat there and chatted with everyone. I met his sister Amanda, and her boyfriend Tyler, and they were nice. It was just basically a normal time.

We headed back to the hotel, then, and we finally got the alone time we'd been waiting for, craving, talking about for months. Obviously I won't go into detail on here, but being physically close to him, and being able to show my love for him, was amazing. It's always a fear, with relationships like this, that things won't work out as well in person as they did online/on the phone. But in this case, things worked out even better, which I didn't even think was possible.

We stayed up late that night, watching stupid game shows in bed and laughing. There is nothing more wonderful than that, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing about it. That was a wonderful night.

Sunday we ran around a bit, went to see a few of his co-workers who wanted to meet me, and went and saw his new apartment. We went back to the hotel and laid around for a while, then decided to head back over to his parents' house to watch football with his dad. His mom made chicken fettucine alfredo, and it was so delicious. Matt and I watched a couple of RoH matches he wanted to show me, and it was amazing. Not only was it nice to see those great matches, but being able to hang out as friends and watch them together made me love him -- and our relationship -- even more. I always tell him this, but I love the different facets of our relationship. We are head over heels in love, we have great physical chemistry, and we really are best friends.

We headed back to the room after not too late, because he had to work early Monday morning. We watched another wrestling match at the hotel, and later, Matt told me that doing that together absolutely solidified the fact that he wants to marry me. It might sound "weird" to some people, but I understand completely. We actually owe a lot to wrestling. It's the reason we met, after all.

Monday morning was amazing. The alarm went off at 5:17, and he was awake instantly, bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to go. It was so nice waking up with him and seeing a glimpse of his daily routine. I ended up going back to sleep a bit later, but before he left for work, we had an incredible morning. It was so nice.

During the day I worked on some school work, and literally waited for him at the window to come home. I was never so happy to see anyone in my life, and I knew then that I wanted him to come home to me for the rest of my life.

Not much cuddly alone time on Monday, because we had a date to be in Topeka to watch the Packers/Vikings game with Shawn and Betsy. I was nervous again, too, because I hadn't met them in person yet, either. Also, another "friend", Rob, had threatened to show up. He and Matt have a bit of a backstory, and so I was worried that something would happen there. Rob didn't show up, though, and we had a great time with Shawn and Betsy. She made amazing pork ribs and homemade mashed potatoes, and Matt and I thought we had died and gone to Heaven. The game was a horrible disappointment, but other than that, we had a great time.

We went back to the hotel pretty late, and we got into an argument in the car. Most of the talk about moving had been about Matt coming up to Wisconsin, but there might be difficulties with him transferring his job up there, so he was wondering what I would think about coming to live with him in KS until we could get up to WI. It wasn't a bad argument, we were both stressed out and a bit riled up, and said things we might not have meant. When we got back to the hotel I unofficially ended the fight, and the rest of the evening was quite pleasant.

lol Matt is a funny sleeper. One night (I think Sunday), he was sleeping, and all of a sudden, he bolted upright and sat with his back to me on the edge of the bed. I was kind of scared, so I put my hand on his back and said, "Honey? Are you okay?" He said, "There were strings in my face...right?" I said, "No..." He said, "They were red and silver!" I said, "No Honey..." And he said, "Okay..." and laid back down. I told him about it the next day, and he had no recollection of it whatsoever. So adorable. Every single quirk that comes out, I absolutely adore.

Tuesday was our last full day, and I was very reluctant to let him get out of bed, let alone the room. We went to Pizza Hut and grabbed a pizza, then laid low for most of the day, which was ideal to me. I never wanted to be anti-social by any means, but I would have been completely happy never leaving the hotel room for four straight days. And not necessarily to do hotel-room things, but just to be together, alone, and have time to talk, and cuddle, and just BE. I could have just stared at him non-stop for four days and it wouldn't have been enough.

Tuesday night we went and saw his best friend Caleb, and his surrogate mother, Caleb's mother, Marcia. She seemed to be the most excited to meet me, second only to Matt, of course. She was very sweet, and it was so flattering that she cared to meet me so much.

We only stayed there for a bit, because I really wanted to get back to the hotel and have time together. We watched I Love You, Man, and then Matt started to get sleepy. Things were very rough. I didn't want to sleep, because I knew if I fell asleep, the time would fly away and I would have to leave. Instead, I sat there and sobbed, and touched him, and smelled him, and tried to memorize everything. He kept waking up, distracted by my crying, and trying to comfort me. It was stressing him out, and his chest started to hurt. All in all, it was awful.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I know I did. We were going to wake up at 5:17 (he has an affection for that specific time, apparently), but he woke me up instead, a few minutes early, by cuddling and kissing me. That beats the hell out of any alarm clock in the world.

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to put on an outfit, and zip up my suitcase, and start getting ready for the day. I knew where we were headed, I knew I would be gone within a couple of hours, and that wasn't okay with me.

We both felt kind of sick, so aside from some hugging and a couple of kisses, we weren't very affectionate this morning. It was to be expected, and neither of us took it personally.

Despite what was happening, the drive was pretty nice. I rubbed his neck most of the way, and we talked pleasantly about a bunch of things, and told each other how we felt, and how nice the visit was, and how much we appreciate each other. I'd have to say that's what I love most about our relationship, the fact that we ALWAYS tell each other how we feel, and what we love and admire about one another. That is so extremely important.

The airport was easier than I thought it would be, I guess, but still hard. I think most of my tears were used up the night before. He walked me to security, and after many hugs and kisses, and some tears shed by me, I made him leave. I didn't watch him go, I let go of him and told him to leave, and I didn't turn around. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know it was hard for him to leave. I got in the security line, and the lady was so sweet to me. She told me that he and I should get married, and was willing to call him over and tell him that, but he was already gone. It was very sweet.

The flight was fine, I basically just closed my eyes and waited to get to Milwaukee. I texted Matt when I got on the plane, and he sent me a very sweet text back. We decided that I would come back down in mid-November, so now, we have begun a new countdown. It's only a little over five weeks, but that's a little over five weeks too long.

I have never wanted to be with anyone more in my entire life, and I know this is for real. This is going to be one of the hardest things either of us has ever had to go through, but you know what? We can absolutely do it. Life isn't fair, but hopefully, after all that we've been through and after all we are going through, we'll have a long, beautiful, happy life together. It's only a matter of time until we're together permanately, and we have to be strong. Right now I'm okay, but if I hear a song, or see a commercial, or something simple like that that reminds me of him, I lose my composure. He made me a mixed tape, and I have it, but I haven't dared to listen to it, yet. I know that it will be a huge crying fest.

I love him so much, and I would give anything to be able to see him right now. I am so lucky to have him, and I'm so incredibly blessed that he feels exactly the same way about me.

Is this situation "fair", as in consistent with rules, logic, or ethics? Probably not. To me, it certainly defies 'logic' to be away from the person that makes your life amazing. Is life "fair"? Judging by that definition, up there, I'd say it certainly is. It's more than fair, actually. It's good. I feel awful today, but when it comes right down to it, I have an amazing man who would do anything for me, and I share that exact same affection for him.

That was my trip, folks, in a nutshell. If you want to know anything more, or, you know, the juicy details, hit me up privately. :)

I love you, Matt.