i've been kicked in the face, still i come back for more...

Damn, if there's any time I NEED to blog, it's right now.

My life is so damn bipolar lately. Not me, my life. It cannot seem to decide if it wants to be good or bad, happy or sad. (How cute, a little rhyme.)

Seriously though, lately it seems like if one thing starts falling into place, something else goes haywire. Nate has a new lease signed already, and he moves into the new place August 1st. He and I are actually getting along pretty well, and we usually have a good time hanging out. Things with M WERE going really well, and then all of a sudden, for seemingly no reason, that started going bad too. And this was, like, in the last 48 hours!! Let me explain.

Usually our "rapport" is great. We have hours of wrestling talk mixed with witty banter mixed with flirtation from BOTH sides. Sometimes it's utterly terrific. Then once and a while, like yesterday, we get in an argument over something stupid. This time he was overtired and grouchy, and I took that to heart, and so we both said some mean things and had a fight. But that (kinda) got cleared up.

Today's a different story. I kind of had a feeling something was going on, and sure enough, he's thinking about dating some girl he knows, some girl that he sort of complains about intermittently. It's times like these that he expects me to take off my Crush hat, put on my Best Friend hat, and I don't know, be happy with the situation. I can't. And then, of course, instead of the "I miss yous" and "Come down and visit sooner than September", it's suddenly changed to "You expect too much from me" and "We're just friends". I know that I'm oversensitive sometimes, but seriously. I feel like M is okay with seeing where things go between us until, I don't know, he gets sick of it and decides to date someone closer in proximity to him. And for some reason, he doesn't think that he acts totally up and down with me. Sure, I'm sure I may be taking SOME things close to heart, but let me give you an example.

On Saturday, he called from a housewarming party. Sure, he had had a few drinks, but some say that the truth comes out when that happens. Anyway, even though I told him multiple times I could let him off the phone and enjoy the party, he insisted that he wanted to talk to me. I was upset about Nate and some other girl at the time, and he told me that Nate was an idiot, and no use being upset over, and that I was wonderful. He also said, "Whether I'm in your life as your boyfriend, or husband, or best friend, hopefully I'll be in it for a long time." Sure, fine, maybe it's a nice thing to say. But do you see how things like this can have me flying high? And then, yesterday, just two short days later, he tells me that I have "unreal expectations" of him. That's usually what happens when something's going on, so of course I find out today that he's been thinking about dating someone. Argh.

Do I even want someone that can make me feel so useless sometimes? Seriously, it's a damn shame sometimes that he and I have got such a connection. It'd be a whole lot easier if he was some big idiot, because then if this happened I wouldn't be so upset by it. But I guess if he were a so-called big idiot I wouldn't have had this connection with him in the first place.

It's so dumb. If I were there, physically, in Kansas (God forbid, haha), I think things would be totally different. I feel like I'm always at a disadvantage because I live far away. That's not my fault, but it's not his either. It just isn't fair, but I guess, what is? I always feel this way about Neil and Sean and Nick and the rest of them up there too...that we can't be as close as the friends they have there because I'm so damn far away. I try so much to maintain as close a bond as possible, hell, I even dropped how much money to go visit them, but it's hard. Speaking of which, thank the world for Dyl. What would I do without him, being there, understanding what I'm talking about without me even saying it? He's just so tuned in to what I'm thinking. And even though he is a man (:-P) he always knows the right thing to say. Last night I said, "I think he's too good looking for me." And what does Dylan say? "No one is too good looking for my Beth." <3

Why are people so damn afraid of what's "hard"? If something's so easy to get it probably isn't worth it. Right now I just feel really dejected, and rejected, and objected to. Ha, I'm good with words. But seriously, I know this will probably pass, but it has hung with me all day, a tiny little dark cloud in the background, even as I spent some wonderful with my three little monkeys. It didn't ruin my life, or even my day, I don't think much could. But still, I don't like the feeling. I've always felt that M is kind of my vacation from things because it's been such a joy to talk to him. But where is that joy now? Where did it go somewhere during the last 48 hours? I don't know, but I want it back. And I think it's BOTH of our faults that said joy has gone into hiding for a little while. I hope it comes back, peeping its head out of the closet, and that we can coax it back out and give it a hug and never let it go.

I told him today that if he had a girlfriend in September I wasn't going to visit. I know that's unfair, but God, I was hurt. I probably still will go. I don't know what's going to happen with me, or with him, or with anything else, really. It's just hard to have to play two roles. I wish I could just play one, the best friend role, but like he would say I have VISCERAL reactions to things and there's nothing I can do about those.

I guess I wish I didn't always feel like the backup. I love being one of the guys usually, I love shooting the shit about wrestling and football, but when this happens, I hate being the buddy. It makes me feel ugly and undesirable, to be completely honest. Call that a typical female reaction if you will, but it is what it is. And in all honesty, I'm too good for it. I know M cares about me, under it all I know he does, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it at all. It seems like I'm good enough when there's nobody else in the picture; that he wants to see what's going to happen, but then all of a sudden...I'm back on the bench. It just sucks.

I guess I wouldn't care so much if he wasn't such a great person, and if I wasn't such a great person, and if I didn't think we'd be so great together...

What the hell do I know, anyway?

abandon all hope, ye who enter here...

Hey everyone. I haven't written in almost a week and some interesting things have happened, so I decided to write quick and update.

Nate and I have gotten a little better I suppose. We've been talking more civilly to each other, with the exception of Sunday night. Sunday we went to the WWE pay-per-view at The Bar here in town, which we do every time. Anyway, during the pre-show M texted me, and Nate freaked out. He had just told me that he would stop freaking out about my communication with M, but apparently he forgot about that. Although my brother ripped him a new one about being mature Nate got his check, paid it, and stormed out.

I tried my best to enjoy the show and have fun with my friends, but of course it still bothered me. Eric informed me that Nate had called him and was in the midst of packing a bag and going over to stay at his parents'. Nate ignored a few texts of mine, then finally got back to me and told me that he was going to continue paying and everything but was going to stay at his parents' until our lease was up.

This gave me mixed feelings. I didn't feel right about him leaving the house, because it is his too, but I figured that this may be for the best. It's very hard for anything to get adequately figured out when we're living together, and I understand that it's hard for him to live with me when we're not together. To tell you the truth it's not all that easy for me either sometimes. I think he thinks I'm such a terrible person that doesn't give a crap about him and is just trying to get rid of him at the first turn, but that's obviously not true. I'm not a monster, I do have feelings. It's not easy for me to forget about so much that has happened, and of course I still love him. He's been my best friend for almost four years, and we shared a lot of good times too. But this is the way it has to be because neither of us was happy the way things were. Last night we also had a really good talk...for once there was no yelling, no accusing, no tears. I really like when that happens, those are the times that I feel good being around him and I feel like we can always be there for each other. He's such a good person, I just want him to be happy. But, of course, I need to be happy too.

It makes me sick thinking that I could be moving again in two months. I love this place so much, I would much rather just find a roommate to fill the other room and pay the other half of the bills and stay put. I love it, the cats love it, it's a great neighborhood...sigh. This really sucks. The emotional shit is bad enough, the economic and inconvenient shit is just the icing on top of a really stale and gross cake.

The only bright spot in all this is M. Most of the time we have such great conversations, and no matter how my day goes it seems like he can always make me feel pretty good. Isn't it weird how things like that go? I'm still not sure how he feels about me half the time, which makes me unsure of how I feel about him. Okay, so usually I'm pretty sure I guess, but it still makes me hold back. Some nights, like Sunday, he is all flattery, and flirtation, and refuses to get off the phone no matter how many times I tell him he needs to get some sleep. Those are the times that I feel good about how things are going. I mean, I enjoy talking to him no matter what because we have such a good rapport, but things like that just make it even sweeter. Other days, though, like today, he's a little more reserved with sweetness and a little more liberal with...brashness? There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but then he sometimes says things that make me wonder how he really does feel. The distance is also a problem, obviously. There is just so much to think about lately that I almost feel like my head could explode.

Sleep should fix that...right?

I'm attaching one of my favorite pics as of late...my little niece in her cute dress with a balloon in her belly. lol So adorable.