...well an airplane's faster than a Cadillac, and a whole lot smoother than a camel's back, but I don't care how you get to me, just get to me...

Hello everyone. As I write this I'm laying in bed with my laptop, watching Monday Night Football with peppermint candles burning. Pretty good stuff. I have off tomorrow, which is awesome, but I'm still not all that happy. Yesterday was rough, because of work, and today I really miss Jay.

It sucks being so far away from each other. It's just not normal, being around a person every single minute for five days in a row, and then not seeing them at all for a month or more. It's just not the best way to maintain a relationship.

We were talking yesterday about him moving, and he proposed the idea of finishing out his school YEAR down there at UNT and then moving up here after that in May. To be honest, that suggestion brought me to tears. Although it might be the easiest in some respects, it would be the hardest in others. We both go on and on about how agonizing it is to be away from each other, it would be even more horrible to do it for six more months. I don't want to even think about that, let alone do it. I want him here. I feel like we're wasting time being away from each other when that's all we want. Jay and I know better than a lot of people that life is short and you should make as much of it as you can, and being together would be making the most of it. I want to be happy, and I'm happiest when I'm with him. It just makes sense. Everyone loves him, he loves it here, he's not too fond of Texas, and he doesn't have all that much holding him there. In fact, he told me last night that before his dad passed away, he was planning on moving up to South Dakota anyway.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, at least a little bit. I know things will work out with him, I know this is different than any other relationship has ever been, but in light of what I have gone through, I'm still a little scared. But hell, so is he. I think it would be a worse sign if we WEREN'T scared, because we wouldn't be being realistic. Trust me, I have looked as hard as I can for red flags, for strange, scary quirks, for ANYTHING that would unsettle me about him. There isn't anything. Not ONE thing. I've known him for over three years, he's been here twice and I've been there once, and nothing has rubbed me the wrong way or gotten me suspicious or apprehensive. My family and friends really like him, the cats like him, and of course, I love him to death. He's funny and smart and adorable and thoughtful and respectful and loving and wonderful. He's really just the most amazing person, and he's absolutely perfect for me. We're perfect for each other.

Now can you see why I just want him HERE?

...I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be...

Hey everyone. Not feeling the best right now. I got back about two hours ago from dropping Jay off at the airport so he could catch his plane back to Dallas. I hate those times. Right now I'm back at home, laying in bed, feeling pretty numb. I know tonight though, when I try to go to sleep and he's not here, it's going to hit me and I'll get upset.

Things are so natural when he's here. It feels like home. Well, of course, it IS home, but you know what I mean. He fits in so nicely with everything and everyone here, much more nicely than anyone else I have dated. And more importantly, he and I get along incredibly well. There are no weird things, weird quirks that have popped up, like that asshole Matt had. I mean, there are weird things with Jay, like the fact that he'll randomly start to beatbox, or talk in a strange accent, but those are all perfect, because I do things like that too! We also see eye-to-eye on everything political, religious, and all that jazz. It's awesome. On the way to the airport, even though it was a somber trip, we just talked and talked about anything and everything. It's so easy to be around him. He's such a wonderful, caring, thoughtful person, and he treats me like gold. He's amazing. I just wish he could get up here to live ASAP. With school it's difficult, transferring and such, but it feels like we're wasting so much time that we could be spending together. I guess it's probably because of my past, but I'm so afraid that something is going to go wrong, something environmental or random or stupid, that will ruin everything. As I write that, though, I am getting word that he has landed safely in Dallas, so that is one big sigh of relief. I'm hoping he can make another trip here for Christmas. Right now it's more feasible that he come here during a break from school, considering he doesn't also have a job to worry about, and it's hard for me to get away for long periods of time, especially during this time of year. Luckily he loves it here, or seems to, and he fits in so well with my friends and family. I can't emphasize that enough, that's so important to me. Matt was so incredibly awkward to be around, my family and friends bristled at that and at him because he was just so strange, and it's nice that Jay just seems to blend right in like he's been there forever.

Bo sat on his lap today. I know that's a little thing, but Bo very very rarely sits on anybody's lap (except Mommy's, of course.) It was just another little something that was cute, that my babies, especially the skiddish one, loves him too. And he loves them, he's so sweet, talks to them and pets them and doesn't even care about the cat hair. It's awesome.

i just want him here so we can get our life going, together. It sucks that he's so far away. I don't want him to uproot his life, but it's very easy for us to fly there to visit, and to fly his friends up for a visit as well. In this day in age, it's pretty easy to conduct friendships long-distance. Relationship, not so much. I mean, Jason and I do as good of a job as anyone can, I think, but they're still no walk in the park. Something like him leaving stays with me for a long long time, and I'll be upset and clingy and such probably for the next five days. After that it dulls a little, of course, but I would feel a lot better if we started making plans, plans for another visit, plans for a move, something. I just need something.

I think I'll lay in bed, watch trashy TV, and eat Krispy Kremes.

I'll update again soon.

...it's been months!!!

It's been FOREVER since I've blogged!! I apologize, I'm going to try to do it more. Work and school have just been busy, but I'm definitely going to write more often.

I'm still doing well, sickness-wise, which is amazing, not only because of how well I feel, but because of the fact that there is still no guesses as to what happened to make me so sick. It's officially been declared that it's not Wegener's Disease, it's nothing auto-immune, and I just had bloodwork done and it's all perfect. Whatever I had that almost killed me three different times left no residual effects, and I've been off of medication alltogether for 45 days and counting.

Right now, life is great. I have two classes this semester, one is advanced fiction, and I'm loving it. I'm getting some really good stuff written, even a story about the night I was abused (slightly fictionalized, of course.) Besides that, though, I really don't think about that or Matt Harris very much. I haven't heard anything from him or about him in a very long time, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way.

Jason and I are doing very well. He came here to visit in September, and we got along great, and the family and my friends loved him. I went down to Texas in October to spend some time with him there and meet his friends, and that visit went very well also. As I write this, in three days, he's taking another trip up here, and I can't wait. It's so hard being apart, and that is really the only 'problem' in our relationship. The tiny conflicts (if you can even call them that) we have are all distance-related, as in not having enough time to talk, or other plans cutting into our phone time, etc, etc. Other than that, everything has been fabulous. We're working on him being able to move up here to live soon, and I'm hoping those plans fall into place sooner than later. Being apart gets harder and harder everytime we have another visit. We get a taste of how being together is, we're around each other nonstop for days in a row, and we love it, then we're ripped apart again. It's so difficult. I have to say, though, we're handling it so well. As hard as it is, we're both trying our hardest to maintain our wonderful communication, and I think we're doing it well, and it really doesn't seem that hard. I think it's because our relationship is so easy and natural that we can handle anything. :)

What else is good...GREEN BAY PACKERS!! lol It's important to mention that we are now 6-3 and at the top of our division. What's even better is that poor little Brett Favre is 3-6 and we already beat them once...we play them again next week when Jay is here, and he can fully experience a Packer Sunday, and against the Vikings especially! Last time he was here he went home on Sunday and the Pack happened to have a Monday night game. So I'm really excited to be able to watch a game with him. :) I'm excited to do everything with him!!

I will write more, I promise, but there's a little update for everyone!! <3

The Controller Checklist

This is unpleasant to write, not only because I don't like to drudge up old memories, but also because I feel so stupid for falling for this shit in the first place. But I was at work tonight, and I was remembering all of these little subtle controlling things that Matt used to pull on me, and I wanted to chronicle them.

Anyway, this is for myself, so I can reference it if I ever need to, and for anyone else I know that comes up in the future who has these problems with a crazy controlling man. At first, these things seem harmless, even a little sweet, like he's trying to "take care of you", but it soon becomes obvious that it's all about CONTROL.

1. Eating Habits

Believe it or not, he had a SERIOUS obsession with what I ate. If I didn't have fruits and vegetables every day, I was in trouble. If I went to a fast food restaurant, he would ask what I was getting and even suggest getting something else.

2. Sleeping Habits

Before he even moved here, when we lived over six hundred miles apart, Matt would tell me that I should start getting up early, whether I had to or not, in order to be able to be available for him and work around his hours.

3. Friends

I "had to" get rid of a couple male friends of mine, even though they lived pretty far away, because Matt wasn't "comfortable" with them.

4. Physically Forceful

Even though he never hurt me like that before that night, he was always rough when he would try to give me a hug, or sometimes, he would pull me down onto the couch next to him because he wanted me to sit there, whether I wanted to or not. It didn't matter if I wanted a backrub or not, when he decided he was going to give me one, he would MAKE ME lay down and have a backrub. When it happens like that, it's not soothing or sweet, it's scary. It's controlling.

5. Telling Me How To Dress

Anyone who knows me know I like to be comfortable. At first, Matt said he liked who I was and how I was, but slowly that began to change. He would tell me he would rather I wear jeans, even if I was lounging around at home all day long, rather than sweatpants. He could never really give me a good reason why, except that I should wear jeans because he preferred it. Yeah, right.

6. Birth Control

Firstly, I didn't want to go on birth control. I hadn't been on it in the past, other forms of protection were used, but he refused this and said I should go on birth control. ("Should" is a common word these controlling people use.) Then, when I agreed to go on it and picked the method I wanted, he wanted me to use an interuterine device (IUD) instead of what I chose. I repeatedly said no, and he continued to suggest this. Luckily, I never listened.





These are just the things I thought of tonight while I was at work, and I'm sure there are more. I just think it's so creepy now how I looked past these things...

Luckily, I'm in love with someone who would never, EVER try ANYTHING like this. <3

...hey fat girl, come here, are you ticklish?

Yo bitches, what's going on? Not much here. Just watching the first preseason game of the 2010 NFL season, and I have to say, I'm pretty pumped about it. So far it's not very good, it's halftime and there have already been ten punts, but hey, it's football!! The Pack plays on Saturday night, and luckily I don't work so I can see it. I've missed seeing those boys tear up the field!!

Things are going well. I'm still working, and slowly tapering off the Prednisone. I have taken the liberty of lowering myself down to 10mg, since I can't seem to get in to see my doctors without trouble. I was supposed to see my nephrologist on Friday, but someone ended up getting very sick and he needed to tend to them instead. We rescheduled instead for this coming Friday, so I'll just TELL him at that point that I'm down to ten. Hell, I have so many doctors, they can barely keep track of who lowers what or who prescribes what. What's that old adage...too many cooks spoil the broth? Definitely know what they mean, now.

Things are going well with Jay and me. We're taking things slow, seeing how we get along, which so far is awesome. I don't know what I expected, we've always gotten along super well. We're so much alike, yet we have enough of our own interests to keep things exciting. He's so good and so sincere, and he's cool with the fact that it's going to be hard for me for a while in light of what I went through with my last relationship. Obviously that problem lies with Matt, not with me, but obviously I'm still affected somewhat by the trauma I went through. Jay has always been there for me through everything, and I can't begin to say how much that means to me. Just wish I would have seen it sooner...but luckily he still wants to stick around despite my previous poor choices. :) We're hopefully going to have a visit next month, and then we can see how everything goes in person. As nervous as it makes me to think about a visit (it's always nerve-wracking!!!), I'm really excited to be able to be near him. I find myself missing him quite frequently...it's a strange sensation to miss someone you've never met!! <3

Work's going well, despite the drama with a certain woman who seems to always be creating it. My boss is really getting fed up, to the point where I think he's even having a problem with his blood pressure. Not cool. This woman is in her mid-forties, yet acts like a sixteen-year-old high school girl spreading rumors. I'm not the focus of her wrath this time, but I have been in the past and it's not fun. She's always gotten away with it up until this point, but this time she's screwing up too much and it's going to end up coming back to bite her. After almost dying, some things seem so much more petty to me than they did before. I mean, once your shift is over, what happened at the store isn't going to matter. Get over it and quit stressing yourself out over stupid shit. You don't know what's going to happen to yourself or your loved ones tomorrow, you could literally wake up and be dying, or find out that someone you care about isn't there anymore. But this woman has had everything basically handed to her that she doesn't even think to worry about those things. She's also one of those hypocritical Christians that thinks she can be a bitch 24/7 then go to church and everything's fine. I cannot stand those types of people, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Whenever she has a few days off of work, like has been the case for my past couple shifts, everything is so much more calm and stress-free. Hopefully she does something shitty enough to have them ask her to leave.

Anyway, not much else to say...I'll keep updating this thing, although I don't know why, I find my life quite boring. :-P

...so gangster, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of, you see...

Well, people have expressed interest in me updating this thing, and even though I think my life is basically pretty boring, I'll do it. lol

I'm back in the swing of things, now. I worked 38 hours this week, and it's like I was never even sick. Unfortunately my doctors, nor my mother, will let me forget I was. I still have to go in for appointments pretty regularly, and this Tuesday I have to go down to Madison to University Hospital in order to get a "second opinion" from a pulmonologist there. In reality, this is probably about my eighth opinion. Of course, Dr. Hatahet, my pulmonologist from up here, is still clinging to this stupid Wegener's disease diagnosis, even though most of my other doctors, including the rheumatologist, have made it clear that it is impossible I have this disease.

I don't mind seeing more doctors, as long as they don't try to do any more procedures. I've had three CT scans, countless X-rays, two bronchoscopies, and three different organ biopsies. If the results of those tests came back negative when I was dying, they will certainly come back negative when I'm back to normal. They can take blood and go over my records with a fine-tooth comb, but they're not getting me in for any more bullshit tests. That may seem childish, but if you were poked and prodded almost incessantly for two months, you'd feel the same way.

What else is new? Matt is effectively flushed out of my system, thank Darwin. He's moved on to another victim -- er, girlfriend -- so he definitely doesn't need to bother me anymore. I tried to warn her via Facebook, but she ignored me, so I guess it's her funeral (literally). She'll see soon enough what kind of person he is. I'm glad he's gone and I don't have to hear him or think about him, but I'm bitter that he hasn't had to suffer like I have.

I've been talking a lot to a friend I've had for a long time, a terrific person that has had feelings for me for quite a while. He's been there for me through everything with Matt, and even before that with Nate, and I think even BEFORE that with whoever else I was with then. lol We've always seen eye-to-eye on absolutely everything, and apparently I was an idiot and couldn't see that, or I needed to come to it a different way. I don't know, either way, I'm glad I realized it now. He knows that I'm going through a lot right now, and I've GONE THROUGH a lot in the recent past, he's just all about my happiness and taking things slow. That's very refreshing, considering it's another long-distance thing, which can be hard enough in itself. I'm just lucky that he's been there for me and he can see past all the bullshit. <3

Other than that, life is the same. I still live with my sister, I still chill all the time with Sam and Cal, and I'm still in love with my cats. Just working, paying the bills, and waiting for school to start up again. I can't believe it's August already...I guess spending June wasting away and dying really makes the summer fly by. lol

I'll keep everyone updated on my health and the other juicy tidbits of my life...haha.

...taking off the kid gloves...

Wow. So much to talk about.

As I write this, I am four days out of my second stay at the hospital. The first time I went was Saturday, June 5th. I had gotten blood work done at my doctor's office the day before, and she called me on Saturday morning from her home to let me know that the blood count showed I was in kidney failure. Also, my airway was so closed that I couldn't breathe, and that had been going on for days. They kept me in the ER all day, then admitted me to the ICU, where I was for five days, on immense amount of drugs and oxygen, since I couldn't breathe. A few days later they put a scope down into my lungs and found these little bumps called granulomas all over my trachea, and found my airway almost completely closed. The pulmonologist that did the scope said it was the worst case he had ever seen. They gave me a preliminary diagnosis of Wegener's Disease, which is an auto-immune disease that affects the lungs and kidneys. They gave me intravenous doses of Prednisone, which opened my trachea right away, and I could actually breathe and talk again. Also, my kidneys began to come back on their own, miraculously.

They finally let me out after a week, and I went home with Mom to start to recuperate. I was off for mine and Sam's birthday, and we had a fun, cozy dinner with family at Jill's house. Two days after my birthday, I took a shower and almost passed out. My mom and Jill took me back to the emergency room, and I found that my hemoglobin level was 7.4. Normal is around 12. Much to my chagrin, and trust me, I freaked out, they re-admitted me into the hospital. The hemoglobin went down again overnight, and they ended up having to give me two separate blood transfusions. They also took me to GI for two different scopes, and they found that there were a couple dozen ulcers in my colon that were bleeding and causing the loss. We had to wait the weekend for the biopsy results from the ulcers, and on Monday, they told me it was some freak form of colitis that popped up that they would treat with Prednisone, which I was already on. Sure enough, as soon as they let me out of the hospital on Monday night, the bleeding ceased and eventually stopped.

Yesterday I went to see the rheumatologist, who is the expert on all things auto-immune. We expected her to be the one to shed light on this, but after all of her research, she said that there was nothing that points to any auto-immune disease, any form of vasculitis, and certainly nothing at all that points to Wegener's Disease. This was confirmed by the kidney biopsy that we had been waiting weeks for to come back from the Mayo Clinic. If the kidney was diseased, we would know that it could definitely be Wegener's Disease. The kidney, however, came back completely normal, and as I write this, my beautiful little kidneys are at 100%. So basically what they'll do is slowly taper me off of this Prednisone, which is a great drug but has horrible side effects, see how I react, and then let me get back to my life! I can't tell you how much I want to be healthy again. I feel better every day, but I want to be off of this drug. It saved my life, it really did, but it makes me swell, I can't sleep, and it raises my blood sugar so I basically have to follow a diabetic diet, which is a giant pain in the ass. I sleep about seven hours a night, where I used to be able to sleep eleven. Also, it steals calcium from my bones and makes me anemic. I'm on a ton of supplements because of what it does to my vitamin levels.

Basically what everyone is concluding is that my body completely freaked out due to the stress of what Matt did to me. Speaking of that, every day he takes less blame and tries to put more on me. He actually sent Facebook messages to my best friend in the entire world and tried to convince her that I started things, that I was the one who brought it on myself. He tried to convince her that his wounds were darker, and that he was sure I would "claim self-defense", but that he was injured too. He's such a sociopath, I cannot believe it. And I really can't believe that, at the end of his probation, he can request that his record be expunged and everything will go away completely. A domestic abuse offense that he PLEADS GUILTY TO and it can just be erased. This system is an absolute joke. And now he lives in a new apartment, and is making so many new friends, and blah blah blah...wanna know why? Because none of his friends know what he did. He lied to all of them except one and told them that I was a bitch who kicked him out of the apartment. He forgot to mention the fact that he almost smothered me to death and was held in jail without bail on a FELONY STRANGULATION CHARGE.

He texted me when I was still in the hospital and demanded that he be allowed to pick up a cheap ass set of pots and pans that he "forgot" to get during the two hours he was moving his stuff out of my apartment. I told him that he could come get them with a police escort, cuz there was no way in hell I was allowing him to come to my apartment alone. He said no, if I didn't let him come pick them up without a cop, he'd sue me and take me to small claims court. I told him to do it. Any judge would look at the record and laugh at him. Of course he was bluffing, because he's a lying sociopath, and then he started acting all sorry that I was sick and in the hospital. My ass. HE IS THE ONE WHO PUT ME THERE. Not only did he almost kill me that night, but the stress that he brought on me almost subsequently killed me TWO MORE TIMES. He also 'accidentally' took a fitted sheet and an egg crate mattress from my house when he left, which had to be impossible unless he did it on purpose. He said he wanted to return them, along with a letter he wrote, and I told him to burn all three of them. He said he would drop off the letter regardless. I said it would go directly into the garbage.

Why must he continue to torture me? He already did what he did. I have been through so much health-wise. I almost died, my family has gone through all of it with me and have suffered just as much as I have. He has put countless people through so much pain, and yet he refuses to take any sort of blame? He keeps on going and working and living and LYING to everyone, and gets to be happy? How is this fair? I guess I'm 25 years old now, and I should get used to the fact that life isn't fair. But damn, I never thought it would be THIS unfair. I don't want pity, I really don't. I want some sort of justice. I don't think it's ever going to come.

...more incessant rambling...

So, Friday was Matt's court date, and I went. It literally took less than two minutes. I was already to go right from there to work, but I barely had a chance to sit down before it was already over. The judge lifted the no-contact order, and as soon as everything was done, I stood up and left right away. It felt so weird being there, under the circumstances especially, and I just wanted to leave.

He called me, and we finally got to talk after 18 days. It was different. I cried, a lot. He said he was sorry, and wanted me to be comfortable, and happy, and wanted to do whatever I needed him to do. He also asked if he could see me, and I said that perhaps after work, we could get together.

We ended up doing that. We met at Culver's after work, and talked for over an hour and a half. Nothing that came up really surprised me, I guess. We chatted about what had happened while we had no-contact, and he told me a bit about his life now. Again, he told me how sorry he was that this happened, and about what it had put me through. We didn't get too into all the emotional stuff, considering we were in public and I didn't want to get too upset. I hugged him twice, and it was nice. It seems familiar, yet a bit strange at the same time.

We talked online later last night, and that was pretty good. We're used to talking online, we did it for so long, so it seems like a logical place to talk about difficult things. He's just so attentive, and trying so hard to make everything work. I don't know what's going to happen, yet, I really don't. It goes from minute to minute. I feel good about it for a while, then I'll go back to being unsure and untrusting, then I won't know at all what I think. It's frustrating, that's for sure, but I guess, considering the situation, it's to be expected. Right now, I'm content watching TV in my bed with both my kittens inches away. That's what I need right now. I told Matt we could probably hang out for a while tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. He told me that he's never going to drink a drop again if we end up trying again. That would be imperative. That is not negotiable. He knows that. I just don't know if that's going to be enough. So much more has to happen, and if everything falls into place, even then it's up to me, and how I feel, and if I can trust again. It's hard. It's going to take a lot of time and space and thought. Why can't life be easy?

It's so strange to live with someone for a month, and then all of a sudden you're back to hanging out with them once in a while and then going back to your respective houses. It's bizarre. It's like going backward. But this is what has to happen, now. This is what I'm comfortable with.

...it's all about the he said, she said bullshit...

Today was my first day back at school. It wasn't bad. I had an hour and a half class, then had to go to my teacher's office and take the Shakespeare midterm I missed LAST Monday. It actually went a lot better than I expected, considering that shit is hard and the layout of the test was even harder. I finished in about a half hour, and then just sat around for fifteen minutes or so, checking and re-checking my answers before going to hand it in.

After class and before the test, I called Matt's attorney's office to talk with them. I didn't talk directly to his attorney, as he was in court all day, but I talked to the receptionist who then took my number to give to the attorney. She asked if I was going to go to his hearing on the 16th, and I said yes, and asked if I would be able to make a statement. She said that the victim (she said 'so-called victim') was always able to make a statement. When I got home from campus, I had a big envelope from the district attorney and a big envelope from the Christine Anne Center. The one from the DA was all about making a victims' statement, and how victims often get to suggest what they would like as a punishment for the case. I'm glad. I will definitely suggest they make him attend AA meetings and make him seek counseling for his anger and depression. I don't want him to go to jail, not that that would even be an option for misdemeanors, I don't think. Anyway, going to jail won't teach him anything. I think being removed from where he was staying, having to empty his bank account, being pegged as an abuser, and having no contact with the woman that he loves definitely caught his attention. AA and counseling should round that all out and hopefully get him to a better place in his life.

His sister has really been helpful. She's kind of been the go-between, not carrying messages from one another, since she can't, but reassuring the both of us that the other is okay, and still cares, and all that other stuff. I know he's probably miserable, going from couch to couch and not being able to talk to me at all. Let me tell you, I certainly hope he has something good to say. An apology, right off, would be a good idea. Sam said that she sent him a Facebook message, and he messaged her back with his version of the events. He didn't dispute that it happened, but he did say that he wasn't angry when it happened, and that if we had seeked counseling together, it wouldn't have happened. I do not agree with the latter statement. The reason it happened was because HE chose to get drunk, he cannot control his drinking or, apparently, himself WHILE he's drinking, and he put his hands on me. That's why it happened, and that's what he'll have to own up to. That's part of the reason why I want to talk to him...to gauge what he thinks happened and why. I really don't see how he can remember most of the details, considering how drunk he was, but who knows. I'm really sick of the he said she said bullshit, and I just want it to be over. I miss him, and I know he misses me too. Hopefully on April 16th everything can just be settled and we can both move on from it.

In other news, nothing much is going on. Work is talking about POSSIBLY promoting a keyholder, so I'm going to toss my hat into the ring if that happens. I think it would be a nice change for me, and I KNOW that I can do it. I feel like I've been working toward something like that for quite a while, and it would be nice to actually see it come to fruition.

...dreams last for so long, even after they're gone...

Just a quick note before work.

I haven't cried yet, but I am feeling sad right now. Tomorrow is Easter, and Matt had asked off work and all that to go to my mom's house with me to celebrate with the whole family. Now, of course, he's not coming. It just sucks knowing that this is something we planned, and now it's one of the things that got ruined. I hate this.

I'm just wondering what I did to deserve this. I know that seems stupid to most of you, and you're all saying, "Nothing! You didn't do anything." But man, when you feel this bad every day for a week, you begin to wonder. I really, truly, just want to talk to him. I don't know if it'll make things better, or worse, but at least it's something different. So far, the things I am doing on my own aren't helping, so I want to talk to him. Maybe hearing him say how horrible he feels, and how sorry he is, and how he wants to get help, will help me feel better. I know he CAN'T contact me, but right now it just feels like he doesn't even care about what he did, or about how devastated everything is. I try to tell myself that that's not the case, but right now I have nothing else to go off of.

It almost seems like our life together happened in another time. It doesn't seem like we were okay and happy one week ago today. It's just not fair to have something like this happen so abruptly. It's like he's dead, but he's not. If he were dead, I would HAVE to deal with this. I would have no choice. But also, I would have nothing but good memories of him, not this bad night hanging over my thoughts. But he's NOT dead, he's alive. He's less than a mile away, he's there, and I can't talk to him or yell at him or get any answers.

I don't know what answers I need. Maybe there are no answers that could make me feel better. I don't know. All I know is that I need something else.

I'll blog more after work, I'm sure. It really does make me feel better for a short time, and I'll take what I can get.

the freedom of CHOICE.

Today was rough. Yesterday I was numb, today I was a total mess. I was actually mostly okay when I was at home, getting ready for work and such, but as soon as I left the house, I got upset. I ran a couple of errands, and for some reason, that just set me off. I was driving down the road, sobbing my eyes out. I texted my mom, "I miss him so much" and she instantly called me. We both cried really hard on the phone together and talked about things. She asked me if I would ever think about taking him back, since I missed him so much. I told her I didn't know. And I really don't know. I can honestly say I am completely lost. All I know is that I want to choose. I have never gotten a choice in this entire situation. It's not fair.

There are many ways to look at this situation. On one hand, one could say that Matt is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. If he had been sober, he would have never laid a hand on me. He had never shown any signs of violence before this whatsoever, had never ever raised a hand to me, and that's the honest truth. If Matt were to get help for his disease, and agree on MANY things, perhaps I owe it to myself to give it another chance. Of course, on the other hand, one could say that Matt wouldn't have done this, alcohol or not, unless something in him made him do it. That no matter what, it could happen again, and it's not worth the risk. I see both sides. My mom said she felt like a terrible mother even suggesting it, but she said that she always tried to tell herself that that night, when he did hurt me, he was trying to stop me from screaming and was too drunk to know his own strength. She said that she HAD to tell herself that, that he wasn't REALLY trying to hurt me, just so she could live with it better. I can see that too, considering he mostly held my mouth like that when I was screaming. I don't know, though.

If we ever were to try it again, so many things would have to happen. He would have to promise to never have a DROP of alcohol, ever again, for the rest of forever. If we're at a wedding, and there is champagne, could he have some? NO. Could he have a beer once a year at Christmas? NO. Alcoholics cannot have ANY alcohol. He would have to agree to this immediately, no second thoughts. Also, we would not get back together right away. He would have to prove he was worthy of a second chance, and prove that our relationship would be good and better and that he was truly remorseful for what he did. Even if we did get back together, we would not live together right away. I would need space and time. Also, I would want him to continue going to AA meetings and to take up anger management as well. And even after all this, it may still be impossible for me to trust him again. I'm just saying, if EVER there were a CHANCE that I would let him have another try, all of those things would have to be carried out perfectly.

When we were talking about this, my mom asked me, "Was the relationship even that good? Did you really think you two would get married?" See, that's the thing. I DON'T KNOW. But I would have liked to have continued to see how things went, to think about things, and then MAKE A CHOICE. But I didn't get to make a choice. All of my choices were taken away. Even after the incident, I didn't even get to choose to press charges or not. I didn't get to choose what those charges are, and when it comes time for his punishment, chances are I'll have no say in what that is, either. It sucks. I want to take control of this situation and have a choice. All I know is that I miss him very much, and thinking that there may be more than one way to go in this situation makes me feel a little more comfortable. Today, before I talked to my mom and went to work, I just felt hopeless. I hated crying like that on the phone with her, because I know her heart broke that night right along with mine. But right now, I'm at home, on my bed, right where everything happened, and I feel okay. Of course, in five minutes I could be a mess again, but RIGHT NOW, in this very moment, I feel okay.

I'm going to take that okay moment and enjoy it. That's all I know how to do right now.

...unzip my body, take my heart out...

Tomorrow, I go back to work. Since Sunday night, when it happened, I haven't really done anything. Aside from seeing my family and friends and going out to get food, I haven't done much. No class, no work. Of course, everyone understands, but I've basically just been laying around feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow is going to be difficult. It's only a four hour shift, but I know that someone who knows is going to ask me how I am, or worse, someone who DOESN'T know is going to ask how Matt is. This is just surreal, at this point. It seems like it happened forever ago. Today I feel completely different than I did yesterday. I'm thinking it's denial. This is the longest I've gone not seeing or talking to him for a year, and that's strange. I'm just trying to think of all the times that I asked him to get help, that I suggested he go talk to someone, or offered to go see someone WITH him. But all those times, he refused. And it's not like our relationship was perfect aside from those things, either. We were very different. He did things that really bothered me, and I did things that bothered him. Also, he was conservative and Christian, and I was a liberal atheist. I guess I'm listing all these things to feel better about the "breakup." Man, I wish it had been a normal breakup. Maybe we wouldn't have lasted forever. Maybe we wouldn't have gotten married. But you know what? Like I said before, we could have broken up on good terms and remained friends. We really were such good friends. But we never could be friends now. Ever. What do we talk about? "Oh, wow, Matt, we get along so well as friends, maybe we should date. Oh wait, we tried that, and you tried to smother me one night. Never mind!" We basically can never speak again. And that really fucking sucks. There is nothing that sucks worse than that, right now.

You know what? Yesterday, and the day before, all I wanted to do was lay in the arms of Old Matt and be comforted. But now that I think back on it, he never really made me feel all that comforted. Sometimes I felt tense, or annoyed, or not like cuddling at all. Also, when I was upset, if he didn't AGREE with why I was upset, he wouldn't be very sympathetic. That bothered me.

Do you see what I'm doing? I'm trying to justify this whole thing to make myself feel better. I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop. Also, I haven't cried at all today. I think that's a start, isn't it? Of course, I haven't been alone really yet today, and I'm about to go home from Sam and Caleb's, and nighttime is always my alone/crying time. I think what I really miss is being with someone. I know I will get back into the swing of my alone time, and loving it as usual, but right now I can't. It just seems like I wasted so much time, and so much money, making this happen. I visited him, what, five times? That's airfare for five trips, plus all the money I spent down there. Then, all the tears, and fighting, and stress from being apart. Then the sheer JOY when he got his transfer, and planning the move...to have it all end up like this. Fuck, what a horrible ending to such a good story. It would have been such a fun story to tell my kids...about how their daddy and I met. But now, it's something I want to forget about entirely.

I can't help but wonder what he's thinking, or doing, or feeling. I'm trying so hard not to care, and today I'm more numb than I have been since, but I still care. I can't help it. I devoted myself to him, I gave him all of me. I made sacrifices for him, because I thought he loved me and I thought he was loyal, and faithful, and loving, and wonderful. I didn't mind all the arguing, because I thought what we had rose above all of that. But I guess it didn't. He couldn't have been THAT drunk, because he drove, yet he didn't seem to think twice about putting his hands on me. How could he do that? How in the hell could he do that to the "woman of his dreams?"

Sam and I went to see the kids today, and they were great! I can't remember the last time all three of them were so good. They got along well with each other, they were sweet and funny, and NONE of them cried even once. It was so wonderful, and really what I needed.

This is something I obviously have to take day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I HAD NO CHOICE in this matter, but I have a choice as to where my life goes from here. I want it to go UP, get better. I'm almost 25, and I want someone to be happy with. I want to have a family, with children. But most of all, I want to TRUST my husband and know that he would NEVER put his hands on me in violence and anger, and that he will ALWAYS be there for me no matter what.

Thanks for reading...these blogs have really helped me sort things out.

devastated

This is just surreal. I don't even know what to say, but I have to write.

Matt assaulted me on Sunday night. He was drunk, he drove home that way from the bar, and when he got there, I told him he needed to stop drinking or it was over. I couldn't take it anymore. He told me to go back to my ex, and called me a whore. I told him to leave, I didn't want to look at him, I wanted him OUT of my house. He told me no. I said I would call the police if he didn't, and he said I couldn't, cuz he had taken my phone. I didn't even notice and I didn't know where he put it. I told him to give me my phone or I would mess with his comics, which he is obsessed with. He wouldn't give it back, so I went to grab some comics and he kicked me in the leg. I told him again to get out, or I would go get my sister's phone and call. He refused again, so I went for the door. At that point he tackled me down on my bed. I screamed in fear, and he held his hand over my nose and mouth, HARD, so I couldn't scream. I couldn't breathe. I pried his fingers off of my face, and he just came back with the other hand and pushed even harder. This went on, over and over, and I reached down and grabbed his balls HARD and twisted. This made him let me up for a bit, then I started to get loud again, so he tackled me back down and was smothering me again. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but my tv was on, the door was shut, and my sister and Luke were in their room with THEIR door shut and THEIR TV on as well. Besides, every time I got out a loud enough scream, he'd be back on my mouth, pushing down so hard. I couldn't breathe, I was so scared.

Finally he let me up because I said I was going to throw up. He followed me into the bathroom and shut and locked us in there together. He was between me and the door so I couldn't try to get out. I was cowering against the wall and crying my eyes out. I was so scared. The entire time, I was pleading with him not to kill me. He thought that was ridiculous. He kept saying, "Why are you doing this? I'm not even hurting you. I'm not abusing you yet." YET. That was the scariest thing I've ever heard. I screamed again for help from the bathroom, then he was back on my mouth, pushing hard and banging my head back against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I started banging on the wall instead to make noise for help, but then he pushed even HARDER. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going to die so many times.

Finally I convinced him to let me out of the bathroom so we could go talk in the bedroom. As we were heading out of the bathroom, I spotted my phone on the floor. He must have dropped it. Behind his back, I crouched down and picked it up. He didn't see me. He went and laid in front of the bathroom door so I couldn't get out. I think he was getting tired. He was drunk, and by that time, he had been on me for almost fifteen minutes, and I was struggling hard the whole time. I leaned against the wall by the half-open closet and stuck my hand in there so it was out of sight. I texted my sister, her boyfriend, and my brother without looking to call 911. About three LONG minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my sister. She said, "Can I talk to Bethany?" He let me out, I told her in a whisper that he hurt me, and she whisked me quickly into her room with Luke and locked the door. We called 911 right away, and I had Luke go and rescue the cats. When we were locked in the room, Matt was at the locked door, trash-talking through it to Luke. He wanted Luke to come out and talk to him 'man-to-man' to get 'his side' of the story. Luke just humored him by talking through the door, since the lady on the phone said not to open it by ANY MEANS. He said he 'knew how to get in', and that he would pick the lock with a pin. Just as he was about to do that, the cops showed up and took him away.

He had to stay in jail overnight, since he suffocated me, he got felony strangulation. He also got two misdemeanors, disorderly conduct and battery. He was in jail overnight, and got out Monday around dinnertime. I don't know much else, considering he cannot contact me for 72 hours.

I'm just so damn sad. I can tell I'm no fun to be around, and unfortunately, poor Sam and Caleb have had to be around me the entire time. If I think for more than ten seconds, I start to sob. I talked briefly to his oldest sister, whom I talk to pretty regularly, and she doesn't know who to believe. That makes me sad, but I guess I know where she's coming from, considering he's her brother. Matt called his parents from jail, and they REFUSE to help him in any way. That should tell you something, if his own parents won't help him. They must think he did something. Also, another term of his release is that he has to maintain absolutely sober the entire time. If he gets caught, he forfeits his bond and goes back to jail until his court date.

The Christine Ann Center has called me. They're a local domestic abuse shelter. They offer some really great services, and I may take advantage of some. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I'm kind of scared to be home, and it makes me sad to see all his things. A lot of times, I really thought I was going to marry this person. I just keep remembering how long I chased him and worked to get him, how much we went through with the distance and the visits, and how things seemed to be coming together, only to have this to happen. This is just so fucking unbelievable. I'm so angry, and so hurt, in every single way possible. There's no way in hell I could ever trust him again. I really don't want to even see him. He always said how he would never hurt me, never cheat on me, never do anything bad...how could THIS even be an option? How could trying to suffocate me have even entered his mind? I told him this drinking would be our downfall. I fucking TOLD HIM, but I didn't think it would be this way. I thought we'd argue over it and end up hating each other, but I never thought he would be so violent.

I'm sore. My jaw is bruised and a bit swollen, and my neck, shoulders, arms, chest, stomach all hurt. It hurts to chew. It hurts to smile (not that I have much) and laugh, and cough. It hurts more to think. I could stand the physical pain if it didn't have all this emotional pain to go with it. I just wish I had been in a car accident or something instead, and I could lay in bed with him and he could hold me and be the sweet amazing person he once was. He loved me. He told me I was beautiful. I thought he meant it. I feel like I'm so damn old. I wanted a husband, and babies, and a stable life. I thought I found it with him, I swear I did. But I was wrong. I'm just in so much fucking shock. I feel like I can't do anything. I put makeup on today and cried it off already. I can't work, I haven't gone to class. Everyone understands, but it makes me feel like such a loser. He already beat me down, now he's taking away everything else. I want his SHIT out of there so I can take back my bedroom, and my bathroom. I don't want to have horrible feelings affiliated with that place anymore. That was MINE, my place, he can't have it. He can beat me down and put me in physical, mental, and emotional pain. He can make me cry, but he cannot have my safe place. I want to feel safe there again, and I don't. Bo knows something is wrong, too. He's acting so sad. He hides in the closet all day. He knows that Mommy's not sleeping there, and he can tell that everything is tense. I hate it. Matt has ruined everything. I cannot believe it. I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

I don't even know what else to say.

no clever title today...

I just feel like I need to let some things out. I don't know if anyone reads this, but it's more for me than for anyone else.

Sometimes I feel like Matt and I are so different. I'm also worried about relying on him in the future, say, in marriage and parenthood. Sometimes he breaks his word on the stupidest little things, but those things really bother me. Also, he refuses to come to watch Wrestlemania with all of us at my brother's house because my ex Nate is going to be there. There are many other people that are coming as well, but Matt doesn't want to be near him.

When we were breaking up, Nate said some angry things to me, and yelled some things in the background when I was on the phone with Matt. I know he's probably not proud of these things, but he never apologized and Matt hates him for that. This was at least eight months ago, and I'm of the mindset that he should already be over it. I am, and it really was my problem more than anyone else's. Matt, however, disagrees, and absolutely, 100% REFUSES to have anything to do with him. This is a problem because Nate is still friends with my friends, and he may be at the same things that I am at, and that Matt would be at. So I asked him, does this mean you won't go to ANYTHING? Weddings, graduations, parties, things like that? He claims he'll go if it's more than a 'small group setting', but I don't know. This may seem like a small thing to other people, but it shows an immaturity that may come up in other things as well. If he holds such a long grudge over something that (I think) is so small, then how is he going to act when faced with bigger, more important matters? He just seems so erratic sometimes, and I don't like that. At this point in my life, I'm thinking about marriage and children, and many things I look at within my relationship, I think, "How will this be with children involved? How will he act with children?" Maybe that's looking too far ahead, but I don't think so. I can't help it, I'm almost 25 and my biological clock is ticking. Is this a man I can rely on? Is this a man who will be there for me during my pregnancy when I want a taco at three a.m.? Is this a man who will get up in the middle of the night to change and feed a crying baby? He once said that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a hard job. My jaw dropped on that one. He has never had to care for a child, or MULTIPLE children, so he does not know how hard it can be. Hell, I only do it once and a while, and SAM is with me, but it's still very difficult and very stressful. And then, at the end of the day, we get to go home. Moms DON'T get to go home. They barely get enough time to grab a shower or a meal before they're running off after their children. I just want him to take things seriously, but I cannot force him. I just don't know if he has his priorities straight. Sometimes I feel like I'm further down the list than I should be. For one thing, he sucks at his cell phone. Half the time he doesn't unsilence it, or even put it on vibrate, so he doesn't get my calls. Sometimes, he knows I'm calling, he just ignores it cuz he's 'busy' or sleeping or something. But what if I needed him? Will that still be the case when I'm pregnant, or have a newborn at home? Those are the things I wonder about. Those things are important to me.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I think getting this out has actually helped me. Thanks for reading, if anyone actually is. I work tomorrow, which sucks because it's Wrestlemania AND I have a huge test to study for, but I work with Donna. I love her. She really listens to me, and we see eye-to-eye on absolutely EVERYTHING. She's just such a great lady. It's wonderful to have people like that in my life.

random thoughts on a sick day...

Well, I've been told that I need to blog more (thanks, Dee :-P), so here goes nothing.

Matt has lived here with me now for over a month, and things are mostly good. We definitely have our bad times, our arguments, but usually we get through them without too much damage done. I just wonder where everything is going to go. Obviously we love each other, but I've been having some trouble with trusting him and doubting his ability to keep his word. There have been a couple of situations (though small) where he has said he was going to do something, then didn't come through. Though most of them were basically trivial things, it still makes me wonder how (or if) he will react in the very important situations where I really need to lean on him. That's always been an issue with me in relationships: whether or not I can depend on the person I am with. Most of the time he does come through, but it's the few times that he does flake out that makes me the most worried. Maybe that's not fair, maybe I need to look at the majority of the time, but isn't it human to be worried about things like that?

I'm getting older, I'm almost 25 now, and I mostly think about what kind of husband and children's father I want. Damn, it seems like everyone on my Facebook friends list is either pregnant or has just had a baby. There are people that are around my age or even younger that already have multiple children. Although their situations may not be the best, it still makes me jealous. Of course I don't want to raise a child by myself, but I do want a life with children, and soon. I'm not going to do anything drastic, obviously, but it is what I want. There's so much shit to worry about. Even if the relationship I have is 100% stable, and amazing, and terrific, that's not enough. There is school, jobs, finances...so much to worry about. I guess I should be happy that I'm responsible enough to worry about these things, that I'm not running out and getting pregnant without a man or anything else stable, but still. I feel like I'm getting so old and I'm never going to have any of these things. I want multiple kids, and I'm getting down to about a ten-year window to have them. They used to say it was dangerous to have kids after 40, now they're saying 35. Maybe in a couple years, it'll be 30! Who knows. I think too much, I think.

Life otherwise is pretty uneventful. My furry feline children are doing well, despite an accident that took a chunk out of Oscar's head. He's healing nicely, though, thanks to Mommy's constant obsessive attention. School is fine, and I will hopefully be done after only one more semester. Work is the same as it has always been, I feel like I do a lot and don't get much in return. Such is the work force though, huh?

I hope this finds everyone well, and I will try to do this on a more regular basis. It really is cathartic.

...all that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you...

Wow, I haven't written in forever! A lot has changed, so I definitely should update everyone.



Firstly, and the most important...Matt lives here now! After all of that planning and missing each other and visiting and fighting, he moved here. He was looking for jobs up here for the longest time, and all of a sudden, out of basically nowhere, Walmart found a transfer for him up here, in the electronics department at the Walmart in Appleton, which is only about a 25-minute drive from here.

He got here on February 11, he drove his car and his parents came in their truck with Matt's stuff. The first couple weeks were rough. He didn't like his job, we were having trouble getting used to each other's quirks and ways of living, but as of right now, everything is going much better. We really like spending time with each other, yet we also have our alone time and individual interests. He's been wonderful and happy lately, and always says how glad he is to be here and to be living with me. Those days are great. I think he's getting adjusted just fine, and I understand that that can take some time. I can't imagine moving to another state where I know barely anybody and getting used to everything. I'm trying my best to help him, but I know that sometimes I could definitely be better.

Other than that, which is the major excitement in my life, things are basically normal. School, work, and hanging out with friends and family is what takes up most of my time. The cats are wonderful, and they're slowly warming up to Daddy, who is slowly warming up to them as well. At first he wasn't thrilled with their hair and their virtual domination of the apartment, but he's gotten used to it and now I catch him loving on them pretty often. They're such lovable creatures that it'd be hard not to love them.

I will definitely try to write more in this thing, but it's hard, with work, and two really challenging classes this semester, plus friend time and Matty time. I like to write though, it's cathartic, so I will definitely try to squeeze in at least quick updates.

Hope everyone is well!

...my heart is full and my door's always open, you come anytime you want...

Hey guys. It's been almost a month since I posted, so I figured I'd try to update everyone.

Christmas was good, besides the fact that my flight to Kansas City was cancelled due to their blizzard. Needless to say, I was severely bummed. They cancelled it before I had left for the airport or anything, and I was able to get a flight for the next day without an upcharge, but I was still upset. I just got so used to the idea that I was going to see him THAT NIGHT that it was kind of a blow when I realized I wasn't going to.

It snowed the day after in Milwaukee, but we got down to the airport fine. They had oversold the flight I was supposed to go on (of course) and were offering money and a later flight to people who were willing to give up their seat. I got one of the last three seats on the plane. Whew!

Matt's parents picked me up at the airport in KC, considering I got in around three and Matt had to work until four, then make the over an hour drive up to the airport. It started snowing pretty bad in KC when I got there, so I was lucky that I got a flight, since later ones may have been cancelled. I love his parents, they're so funny and nice and sweet to me. We stopped at Cabela's to get snow boots for the doggie (haha) and then stopped at Sonic on the way home. Matt, that adorable man, kept calling and texting, wondering how close we were to his apartment. It seemed like so long since I had seen him, I could not WAIT to get there and give him the biggest hug and kiss. Since it was snowing, we had to drive really slowly, and so we finally got there around seven. It was so great to see him again!!

The visit went well. On Sunday, as usual, we went to his parents' house to hang out. This time was even more fun, because Matt's oldest sister Jenny and her husband and three boys were in town from St. Louis for Christmas. I had been talking to Jenny through FB for a couple months and was excited to meet her. Her husband and kids are so great, too. Her youngest Kenny, who is five, was just the sweetest little thing. He cozied up to me really quickly, and we had a great day.

Other than that, we spent the rest of the time just hanging out and laying low. I love that, just relaxing with each other and enjoying each other's company. Since then, too, our relationship has been better. We made a New Years' resolution with each other to try super hard not to fight, and to be respectful and considerate of each other. So far, so good. I go again for a visit at the end of this month, he comes here in Feb, and then March, hopefully, is when the BIG MOVE happens! He's nervous, and so am I, but every day he's feeling better about it. As soon as we can find him a job up here, I think he'll be rearing to go even more.

I think it's time that I delete Matt's ex-ife Jessica from my FB friends. Why do I have her on there? Good question, Matt doesn't even have her on there anymore. Her status updates and her profile just get under my skin. Sure, if I didn't have the negative connotation with her that I do, it probably wouldn't bother me, but I can't change it. She's so annoying, and I hate her for what she did to Matt. I suppose, in a way, I should be glad she did it, because now he's mine, but she was horrible to him. She was having a little back-and-forth conversation on one of her status with one of her random FB friends. The guy asked her what was new, and she wrote, "Quit teaching, got divorced, working at Gamestop, and loving life." For some reason, that really bothered me and made me hate her even more. I think I equated the "got divorced" thing with the "loving life," which made me want to hit her in the face. Getting divorced isn't a good thing, and especially not from someone like Matt. I just really dislike her.

Sorry for the rant, I just saw that now and wanted to get that off my chest. I hope everyone's having a great winter...we're getting buried here with the snow...we're actually in the midst of a storm as I write this.