the freedom of CHOICE.

Today was rough. Yesterday I was numb, today I was a total mess. I was actually mostly okay when I was at home, getting ready for work and such, but as soon as I left the house, I got upset. I ran a couple of errands, and for some reason, that just set me off. I was driving down the road, sobbing my eyes out. I texted my mom, "I miss him so much" and she instantly called me. We both cried really hard on the phone together and talked about things. She asked me if I would ever think about taking him back, since I missed him so much. I told her I didn't know. And I really don't know. I can honestly say I am completely lost. All I know is that I want to choose. I have never gotten a choice in this entire situation. It's not fair.

There are many ways to look at this situation. On one hand, one could say that Matt is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. If he had been sober, he would have never laid a hand on me. He had never shown any signs of violence before this whatsoever, had never ever raised a hand to me, and that's the honest truth. If Matt were to get help for his disease, and agree on MANY things, perhaps I owe it to myself to give it another chance. Of course, on the other hand, one could say that Matt wouldn't have done this, alcohol or not, unless something in him made him do it. That no matter what, it could happen again, and it's not worth the risk. I see both sides. My mom said she felt like a terrible mother even suggesting it, but she said that she always tried to tell herself that that night, when he did hurt me, he was trying to stop me from screaming and was too drunk to know his own strength. She said that she HAD to tell herself that, that he wasn't REALLY trying to hurt me, just so she could live with it better. I can see that too, considering he mostly held my mouth like that when I was screaming. I don't know, though.

If we ever were to try it again, so many things would have to happen. He would have to promise to never have a DROP of alcohol, ever again, for the rest of forever. If we're at a wedding, and there is champagne, could he have some? NO. Could he have a beer once a year at Christmas? NO. Alcoholics cannot have ANY alcohol. He would have to agree to this immediately, no second thoughts. Also, we would not get back together right away. He would have to prove he was worthy of a second chance, and prove that our relationship would be good and better and that he was truly remorseful for what he did. Even if we did get back together, we would not live together right away. I would need space and time. Also, I would want him to continue going to AA meetings and to take up anger management as well. And even after all this, it may still be impossible for me to trust him again. I'm just saying, if EVER there were a CHANCE that I would let him have another try, all of those things would have to be carried out perfectly.

When we were talking about this, my mom asked me, "Was the relationship even that good? Did you really think you two would get married?" See, that's the thing. I DON'T KNOW. But I would have liked to have continued to see how things went, to think about things, and then MAKE A CHOICE. But I didn't get to make a choice. All of my choices were taken away. Even after the incident, I didn't even get to choose to press charges or not. I didn't get to choose what those charges are, and when it comes time for his punishment, chances are I'll have no say in what that is, either. It sucks. I want to take control of this situation and have a choice. All I know is that I miss him very much, and thinking that there may be more than one way to go in this situation makes me feel a little more comfortable. Today, before I talked to my mom and went to work, I just felt hopeless. I hated crying like that on the phone with her, because I know her heart broke that night right along with mine. But right now, I'm at home, on my bed, right where everything happened, and I feel okay. Of course, in five minutes I could be a mess again, but RIGHT NOW, in this very moment, I feel okay.

I'm going to take that okay moment and enjoy it. That's all I know how to do right now.