...more incessant rambling...

So, Friday was Matt's court date, and I went. It literally took less than two minutes. I was already to go right from there to work, but I barely had a chance to sit down before it was already over. The judge lifted the no-contact order, and as soon as everything was done, I stood up and left right away. It felt so weird being there, under the circumstances especially, and I just wanted to leave.

He called me, and we finally got to talk after 18 days. It was different. I cried, a lot. He said he was sorry, and wanted me to be comfortable, and happy, and wanted to do whatever I needed him to do. He also asked if he could see me, and I said that perhaps after work, we could get together.

We ended up doing that. We met at Culver's after work, and talked for over an hour and a half. Nothing that came up really surprised me, I guess. We chatted about what had happened while we had no-contact, and he told me a bit about his life now. Again, he told me how sorry he was that this happened, and about what it had put me through. We didn't get too into all the emotional stuff, considering we were in public and I didn't want to get too upset. I hugged him twice, and it was nice. It seems familiar, yet a bit strange at the same time.

We talked online later last night, and that was pretty good. We're used to talking online, we did it for so long, so it seems like a logical place to talk about difficult things. He's just so attentive, and trying so hard to make everything work. I don't know what's going to happen, yet, I really don't. It goes from minute to minute. I feel good about it for a while, then I'll go back to being unsure and untrusting, then I won't know at all what I think. It's frustrating, that's for sure, but I guess, considering the situation, it's to be expected. Right now, I'm content watching TV in my bed with both my kittens inches away. That's what I need right now. I told Matt we could probably hang out for a while tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. He told me that he's never going to drink a drop again if we end up trying again. That would be imperative. That is not negotiable. He knows that. I just don't know if that's going to be enough. So much more has to happen, and if everything falls into place, even then it's up to me, and how I feel, and if I can trust again. It's hard. It's going to take a lot of time and space and thought. Why can't life be easy?

It's so strange to live with someone for a month, and then all of a sudden you're back to hanging out with them once in a while and then going back to your respective houses. It's bizarre. It's like going backward. But this is what has to happen, now. This is what I'm comfortable with.