...dreams last for so long, even after they're gone...

Just a quick note before work.

I haven't cried yet, but I am feeling sad right now. Tomorrow is Easter, and Matt had asked off work and all that to go to my mom's house with me to celebrate with the whole family. Now, of course, he's not coming. It just sucks knowing that this is something we planned, and now it's one of the things that got ruined. I hate this.

I'm just wondering what I did to deserve this. I know that seems stupid to most of you, and you're all saying, "Nothing! You didn't do anything." But man, when you feel this bad every day for a week, you begin to wonder. I really, truly, just want to talk to him. I don't know if it'll make things better, or worse, but at least it's something different. So far, the things I am doing on my own aren't helping, so I want to talk to him. Maybe hearing him say how horrible he feels, and how sorry he is, and how he wants to get help, will help me feel better. I know he CAN'T contact me, but right now it just feels like he doesn't even care about what he did, or about how devastated everything is. I try to tell myself that that's not the case, but right now I have nothing else to go off of.

It almost seems like our life together happened in another time. It doesn't seem like we were okay and happy one week ago today. It's just not fair to have something like this happen so abruptly. It's like he's dead, but he's not. If he were dead, I would HAVE to deal with this. I would have no choice. But also, I would have nothing but good memories of him, not this bad night hanging over my thoughts. But he's NOT dead, he's alive. He's less than a mile away, he's there, and I can't talk to him or yell at him or get any answers.

I don't know what answers I need. Maybe there are no answers that could make me feel better. I don't know. All I know is that I need something else.

I'll blog more after work, I'm sure. It really does make me feel better for a short time, and I'll take what I can get.