Tomorrow, I go back to work. Since Sunday night, when it happened, I haven't really done anything. Aside from seeing my family and friends and going out to get food, I haven't done much. No class, no work. Of course, everyone understands, but I've basically just been laying around feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow is going to be difficult. It's only a four hour shift, but I know that someone who knows is going to ask me how I am, or worse, someone who DOESN'T know is going to ask how Matt is. This is just surreal, at this point. It seems like it happened forever ago. Today I feel completely different than I did yesterday. I'm thinking it's denial. This is the longest I've gone not seeing or talking to him for a year, and that's strange. I'm just trying to think of all the times that I asked him to get help, that I suggested he go talk to someone, or offered to go see someone WITH him. But all those times, he refused. And it's not like our relationship was perfect aside from those things, either. We were very different. He did things that really bothered me, and I did things that bothered him. Also, he was conservative and Christian, and I was a liberal atheist. I guess I'm listing all these things to feel better about the "breakup." Man, I wish it had been a normal breakup. Maybe we wouldn't have lasted forever. Maybe we wouldn't have gotten married. But you know what? Like I said before, we could have broken up on good terms and remained friends. We really were such good friends. But we never could be friends now. Ever. What do we talk about? "Oh, wow, Matt, we get along so well as friends, maybe we should date. Oh wait, we tried that, and you tried to smother me one night. Never mind!" We basically can never speak again. And that really fucking sucks. There is nothing that sucks worse than that, right now.
You know what? Yesterday, and the day before, all I wanted to do was lay in the arms of Old Matt and be comforted. But now that I think back on it, he never really made me feel all that comforted. Sometimes I felt tense, or annoyed, or not like cuddling at all. Also, when I was upset, if he didn't AGREE with why I was upset, he wouldn't be very sympathetic. That bothered me.
Do you see what I'm doing? I'm trying to justify this whole thing to make myself feel better. I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop. Also, I haven't cried at all today. I think that's a start, isn't it? Of course, I haven't been alone really yet today, and I'm about to go home from Sam and Caleb's, and nighttime is always my alone/crying time. I think what I really miss is being with someone. I know I will get back into the swing of my alone time, and loving it as usual, but right now I can't. It just seems like I wasted so much time, and so much money, making this happen. I visited him, what, five times? That's airfare for five trips, plus all the money I spent down there. Then, all the tears, and fighting, and stress from being apart. Then the sheer JOY when he got his transfer, and planning the move...to have it all end up like this. Fuck, what a horrible ending to such a good story. It would have been such a fun story to tell my kids...about how their daddy and I met. But now, it's something I want to forget about entirely.
I can't help but wonder what he's thinking, or doing, or feeling. I'm trying so hard not to care, and today I'm more numb than I have been since, but I still care. I can't help it. I devoted myself to him, I gave him all of me. I made sacrifices for him, because I thought he loved me and I thought he was loyal, and faithful, and loving, and wonderful. I didn't mind all the arguing, because I thought what we had rose above all of that. But I guess it didn't. He couldn't have been THAT drunk, because he drove, yet he didn't seem to think twice about putting his hands on me. How could he do that? How in the hell could he do that to the "woman of his dreams?"
Sam and I went to see the kids today, and they were great! I can't remember the last time all three of them were so good. They got along well with each other, they were sweet and funny, and NONE of them cried even once. It was so wonderful, and really what I needed.
This is something I obviously have to take day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I HAD NO CHOICE in this matter, but I have a choice as to where my life goes from here. I want it to go UP, get better. I'm almost 25, and I want someone to be happy with. I want to have a family, with children. But most of all, I want to TRUST my husband and know that he would NEVER put his hands on me in violence and anger, and that he will ALWAYS be there for me no matter what.
Thanks for reading...these blogs have really helped me sort things out.
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