devastated

This is just surreal. I don't even know what to say, but I have to write.

Matt assaulted me on Sunday night. He was drunk, he drove home that way from the bar, and when he got there, I told him he needed to stop drinking or it was over. I couldn't take it anymore. He told me to go back to my ex, and called me a whore. I told him to leave, I didn't want to look at him, I wanted him OUT of my house. He told me no. I said I would call the police if he didn't, and he said I couldn't, cuz he had taken my phone. I didn't even notice and I didn't know where he put it. I told him to give me my phone or I would mess with his comics, which he is obsessed with. He wouldn't give it back, so I went to grab some comics and he kicked me in the leg. I told him again to get out, or I would go get my sister's phone and call. He refused again, so I went for the door. At that point he tackled me down on my bed. I screamed in fear, and he held his hand over my nose and mouth, HARD, so I couldn't scream. I couldn't breathe. I pried his fingers off of my face, and he just came back with the other hand and pushed even harder. This went on, over and over, and I reached down and grabbed his balls HARD and twisted. This made him let me up for a bit, then I started to get loud again, so he tackled me back down and was smothering me again. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help, but my tv was on, the door was shut, and my sister and Luke were in their room with THEIR door shut and THEIR TV on as well. Besides, every time I got out a loud enough scream, he'd be back on my mouth, pushing down so hard. I couldn't breathe, I was so scared.

Finally he let me up because I said I was going to throw up. He followed me into the bathroom and shut and locked us in there together. He was between me and the door so I couldn't try to get out. I was cowering against the wall and crying my eyes out. I was so scared. The entire time, I was pleading with him not to kill me. He thought that was ridiculous. He kept saying, "Why are you doing this? I'm not even hurting you. I'm not abusing you yet." YET. That was the scariest thing I've ever heard. I screamed again for help from the bathroom, then he was back on my mouth, pushing hard and banging my head back against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I started banging on the wall instead to make noise for help, but then he pushed even HARDER. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going to die so many times.

Finally I convinced him to let me out of the bathroom so we could go talk in the bedroom. As we were heading out of the bathroom, I spotted my phone on the floor. He must have dropped it. Behind his back, I crouched down and picked it up. He didn't see me. He went and laid in front of the bathroom door so I couldn't get out. I think he was getting tired. He was drunk, and by that time, he had been on me for almost fifteen minutes, and I was struggling hard the whole time. I leaned against the wall by the half-open closet and stuck my hand in there so it was out of sight. I texted my sister, her boyfriend, and my brother without looking to call 911. About three LONG minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my sister. She said, "Can I talk to Bethany?" He let me out, I told her in a whisper that he hurt me, and she whisked me quickly into her room with Luke and locked the door. We called 911 right away, and I had Luke go and rescue the cats. When we were locked in the room, Matt was at the locked door, trash-talking through it to Luke. He wanted Luke to come out and talk to him 'man-to-man' to get 'his side' of the story. Luke just humored him by talking through the door, since the lady on the phone said not to open it by ANY MEANS. He said he 'knew how to get in', and that he would pick the lock with a pin. Just as he was about to do that, the cops showed up and took him away.

He had to stay in jail overnight, since he suffocated me, he got felony strangulation. He also got two misdemeanors, disorderly conduct and battery. He was in jail overnight, and got out Monday around dinnertime. I don't know much else, considering he cannot contact me for 72 hours.

I'm just so damn sad. I can tell I'm no fun to be around, and unfortunately, poor Sam and Caleb have had to be around me the entire time. If I think for more than ten seconds, I start to sob. I talked briefly to his oldest sister, whom I talk to pretty regularly, and she doesn't know who to believe. That makes me sad, but I guess I know where she's coming from, considering he's her brother. Matt called his parents from jail, and they REFUSE to help him in any way. That should tell you something, if his own parents won't help him. They must think he did something. Also, another term of his release is that he has to maintain absolutely sober the entire time. If he gets caught, he forfeits his bond and goes back to jail until his court date.

The Christine Ann Center has called me. They're a local domestic abuse shelter. They offer some really great services, and I may take advantage of some. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I'm kind of scared to be home, and it makes me sad to see all his things. A lot of times, I really thought I was going to marry this person. I just keep remembering how long I chased him and worked to get him, how much we went through with the distance and the visits, and how things seemed to be coming together, only to have this to happen. This is just so fucking unbelievable. I'm so angry, and so hurt, in every single way possible. There's no way in hell I could ever trust him again. I really don't want to even see him. He always said how he would never hurt me, never cheat on me, never do anything bad...how could THIS even be an option? How could trying to suffocate me have even entered his mind? I told him this drinking would be our downfall. I fucking TOLD HIM, but I didn't think it would be this way. I thought we'd argue over it and end up hating each other, but I never thought he would be so violent.

I'm sore. My jaw is bruised and a bit swollen, and my neck, shoulders, arms, chest, stomach all hurt. It hurts to chew. It hurts to smile (not that I have much) and laugh, and cough. It hurts more to think. I could stand the physical pain if it didn't have all this emotional pain to go with it. I just wish I had been in a car accident or something instead, and I could lay in bed with him and he could hold me and be the sweet amazing person he once was. He loved me. He told me I was beautiful. I thought he meant it. I feel like I'm so damn old. I wanted a husband, and babies, and a stable life. I thought I found it with him, I swear I did. But I was wrong. I'm just in so much fucking shock. I feel like I can't do anything. I put makeup on today and cried it off already. I can't work, I haven't gone to class. Everyone understands, but it makes me feel like such a loser. He already beat me down, now he's taking away everything else. I want his SHIT out of there so I can take back my bedroom, and my bathroom. I don't want to have horrible feelings affiliated with that place anymore. That was MINE, my place, he can't have it. He can beat me down and put me in physical, mental, and emotional pain. He can make me cry, but he cannot have my safe place. I want to feel safe there again, and I don't. Bo knows something is wrong, too. He's acting so sad. He hides in the closet all day. He knows that Mommy's not sleeping there, and he can tell that everything is tense. I hate it. Matt has ruined everything. I cannot believe it. I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

I don't even know what else to say.