no clever title today...

I just feel like I need to let some things out. I don't know if anyone reads this, but it's more for me than for anyone else.

Sometimes I feel like Matt and I are so different. I'm also worried about relying on him in the future, say, in marriage and parenthood. Sometimes he breaks his word on the stupidest little things, but those things really bother me. Also, he refuses to come to watch Wrestlemania with all of us at my brother's house because my ex Nate is going to be there. There are many other people that are coming as well, but Matt doesn't want to be near him.

When we were breaking up, Nate said some angry things to me, and yelled some things in the background when I was on the phone with Matt. I know he's probably not proud of these things, but he never apologized and Matt hates him for that. This was at least eight months ago, and I'm of the mindset that he should already be over it. I am, and it really was my problem more than anyone else's. Matt, however, disagrees, and absolutely, 100% REFUSES to have anything to do with him. This is a problem because Nate is still friends with my friends, and he may be at the same things that I am at, and that Matt would be at. So I asked him, does this mean you won't go to ANYTHING? Weddings, graduations, parties, things like that? He claims he'll go if it's more than a 'small group setting', but I don't know. This may seem like a small thing to other people, but it shows an immaturity that may come up in other things as well. If he holds such a long grudge over something that (I think) is so small, then how is he going to act when faced with bigger, more important matters? He just seems so erratic sometimes, and I don't like that. At this point in my life, I'm thinking about marriage and children, and many things I look at within my relationship, I think, "How will this be with children involved? How will he act with children?" Maybe that's looking too far ahead, but I don't think so. I can't help it, I'm almost 25 and my biological clock is ticking. Is this a man I can rely on? Is this a man who will be there for me during my pregnancy when I want a taco at three a.m.? Is this a man who will get up in the middle of the night to change and feed a crying baby? He once said that being a stay-at-home mom isn't a hard job. My jaw dropped on that one. He has never had to care for a child, or MULTIPLE children, so he does not know how hard it can be. Hell, I only do it once and a while, and SAM is with me, but it's still very difficult and very stressful. And then, at the end of the day, we get to go home. Moms DON'T get to go home. They barely get enough time to grab a shower or a meal before they're running off after their children. I just want him to take things seriously, but I cannot force him. I just don't know if he has his priorities straight. Sometimes I feel like I'm further down the list than I should be. For one thing, he sucks at his cell phone. Half the time he doesn't unsilence it, or even put it on vibrate, so he doesn't get my calls. Sometimes, he knows I'm calling, he just ignores it cuz he's 'busy' or sleeping or something. But what if I needed him? Will that still be the case when I'm pregnant, or have a newborn at home? Those are the things I wonder about. Those things are important to me.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I think getting this out has actually helped me. Thanks for reading, if anyone actually is. I work tomorrow, which sucks because it's Wrestlemania AND I have a huge test to study for, but I work with Donna. I love her. She really listens to me, and we see eye-to-eye on absolutely EVERYTHING. She's just such a great lady. It's wonderful to have people like that in my life.