random thoughts on a sick day...

Well, I've been told that I need to blog more (thanks, Dee :-P), so here goes nothing.

Matt has lived here with me now for over a month, and things are mostly good. We definitely have our bad times, our arguments, but usually we get through them without too much damage done. I just wonder where everything is going to go. Obviously we love each other, but I've been having some trouble with trusting him and doubting his ability to keep his word. There have been a couple of situations (though small) where he has said he was going to do something, then didn't come through. Though most of them were basically trivial things, it still makes me wonder how (or if) he will react in the very important situations where I really need to lean on him. That's always been an issue with me in relationships: whether or not I can depend on the person I am with. Most of the time he does come through, but it's the few times that he does flake out that makes me the most worried. Maybe that's not fair, maybe I need to look at the majority of the time, but isn't it human to be worried about things like that?

I'm getting older, I'm almost 25 now, and I mostly think about what kind of husband and children's father I want. Damn, it seems like everyone on my Facebook friends list is either pregnant or has just had a baby. There are people that are around my age or even younger that already have multiple children. Although their situations may not be the best, it still makes me jealous. Of course I don't want to raise a child by myself, but I do want a life with children, and soon. I'm not going to do anything drastic, obviously, but it is what I want. There's so much shit to worry about. Even if the relationship I have is 100% stable, and amazing, and terrific, that's not enough. There is school, jobs, finances...so much to worry about. I guess I should be happy that I'm responsible enough to worry about these things, that I'm not running out and getting pregnant without a man or anything else stable, but still. I feel like I'm getting so old and I'm never going to have any of these things. I want multiple kids, and I'm getting down to about a ten-year window to have them. They used to say it was dangerous to have kids after 40, now they're saying 35. Maybe in a couple years, it'll be 30! Who knows. I think too much, I think.

Life otherwise is pretty uneventful. My furry feline children are doing well, despite an accident that took a chunk out of Oscar's head. He's healing nicely, though, thanks to Mommy's constant obsessive attention. School is fine, and I will hopefully be done after only one more semester. Work is the same as it has always been, I feel like I do a lot and don't get much in return. Such is the work force though, huh?

I hope this finds everyone well, and I will try to do this on a more regular basis. It really is cathartic.