...more incessant rambling...

So, Friday was Matt's court date, and I went. It literally took less than two minutes. I was already to go right from there to work, but I barely had a chance to sit down before it was already over. The judge lifted the no-contact order, and as soon as everything was done, I stood up and left right away. It felt so weird being there, under the circumstances especially, and I just wanted to leave.

He called me, and we finally got to talk after 18 days. It was different. I cried, a lot. He said he was sorry, and wanted me to be comfortable, and happy, and wanted to do whatever I needed him to do. He also asked if he could see me, and I said that perhaps after work, we could get together.

We ended up doing that. We met at Culver's after work, and talked for over an hour and a half. Nothing that came up really surprised me, I guess. We chatted about what had happened while we had no-contact, and he told me a bit about his life now. Again, he told me how sorry he was that this happened, and about what it had put me through. We didn't get too into all the emotional stuff, considering we were in public and I didn't want to get too upset. I hugged him twice, and it was nice. It seems familiar, yet a bit strange at the same time.

We talked online later last night, and that was pretty good. We're used to talking online, we did it for so long, so it seems like a logical place to talk about difficult things. He's just so attentive, and trying so hard to make everything work. I don't know what's going to happen, yet, I really don't. It goes from minute to minute. I feel good about it for a while, then I'll go back to being unsure and untrusting, then I won't know at all what I think. It's frustrating, that's for sure, but I guess, considering the situation, it's to be expected. Right now, I'm content watching TV in my bed with both my kittens inches away. That's what I need right now. I told Matt we could probably hang out for a while tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. He told me that he's never going to drink a drop again if we end up trying again. That would be imperative. That is not negotiable. He knows that. I just don't know if that's going to be enough. So much more has to happen, and if everything falls into place, even then it's up to me, and how I feel, and if I can trust again. It's hard. It's going to take a lot of time and space and thought. Why can't life be easy?

It's so strange to live with someone for a month, and then all of a sudden you're back to hanging out with them once in a while and then going back to your respective houses. It's bizarre. It's like going backward. But this is what has to happen, now. This is what I'm comfortable with.

...it's all about the he said, she said bullshit...

Today was my first day back at school. It wasn't bad. I had an hour and a half class, then had to go to my teacher's office and take the Shakespeare midterm I missed LAST Monday. It actually went a lot better than I expected, considering that shit is hard and the layout of the test was even harder. I finished in about a half hour, and then just sat around for fifteen minutes or so, checking and re-checking my answers before going to hand it in.

After class and before the test, I called Matt's attorney's office to talk with them. I didn't talk directly to his attorney, as he was in court all day, but I talked to the receptionist who then took my number to give to the attorney. She asked if I was going to go to his hearing on the 16th, and I said yes, and asked if I would be able to make a statement. She said that the victim (she said 'so-called victim') was always able to make a statement. When I got home from campus, I had a big envelope from the district attorney and a big envelope from the Christine Anne Center. The one from the DA was all about making a victims' statement, and how victims often get to suggest what they would like as a punishment for the case. I'm glad. I will definitely suggest they make him attend AA meetings and make him seek counseling for his anger and depression. I don't want him to go to jail, not that that would even be an option for misdemeanors, I don't think. Anyway, going to jail won't teach him anything. I think being removed from where he was staying, having to empty his bank account, being pegged as an abuser, and having no contact with the woman that he loves definitely caught his attention. AA and counseling should round that all out and hopefully get him to a better place in his life.

His sister has really been helpful. She's kind of been the go-between, not carrying messages from one another, since she can't, but reassuring the both of us that the other is okay, and still cares, and all that other stuff. I know he's probably miserable, going from couch to couch and not being able to talk to me at all. Let me tell you, I certainly hope he has something good to say. An apology, right off, would be a good idea. Sam said that she sent him a Facebook message, and he messaged her back with his version of the events. He didn't dispute that it happened, but he did say that he wasn't angry when it happened, and that if we had seeked counseling together, it wouldn't have happened. I do not agree with the latter statement. The reason it happened was because HE chose to get drunk, he cannot control his drinking or, apparently, himself WHILE he's drinking, and he put his hands on me. That's why it happened, and that's what he'll have to own up to. That's part of the reason why I want to talk to him...to gauge what he thinks happened and why. I really don't see how he can remember most of the details, considering how drunk he was, but who knows. I'm really sick of the he said she said bullshit, and I just want it to be over. I miss him, and I know he misses me too. Hopefully on April 16th everything can just be settled and we can both move on from it.

In other news, nothing much is going on. Work is talking about POSSIBLY promoting a keyholder, so I'm going to toss my hat into the ring if that happens. I think it would be a nice change for me, and I KNOW that I can do it. I feel like I've been working toward something like that for quite a while, and it would be nice to actually see it come to fruition.

...dreams last for so long, even after they're gone...

Just a quick note before work.

I haven't cried yet, but I am feeling sad right now. Tomorrow is Easter, and Matt had asked off work and all that to go to my mom's house with me to celebrate with the whole family. Now, of course, he's not coming. It just sucks knowing that this is something we planned, and now it's one of the things that got ruined. I hate this.

I'm just wondering what I did to deserve this. I know that seems stupid to most of you, and you're all saying, "Nothing! You didn't do anything." But man, when you feel this bad every day for a week, you begin to wonder. I really, truly, just want to talk to him. I don't know if it'll make things better, or worse, but at least it's something different. So far, the things I am doing on my own aren't helping, so I want to talk to him. Maybe hearing him say how horrible he feels, and how sorry he is, and how he wants to get help, will help me feel better. I know he CAN'T contact me, but right now it just feels like he doesn't even care about what he did, or about how devastated everything is. I try to tell myself that that's not the case, but right now I have nothing else to go off of.

It almost seems like our life together happened in another time. It doesn't seem like we were okay and happy one week ago today. It's just not fair to have something like this happen so abruptly. It's like he's dead, but he's not. If he were dead, I would HAVE to deal with this. I would have no choice. But also, I would have nothing but good memories of him, not this bad night hanging over my thoughts. But he's NOT dead, he's alive. He's less than a mile away, he's there, and I can't talk to him or yell at him or get any answers.

I don't know what answers I need. Maybe there are no answers that could make me feel better. I don't know. All I know is that I need something else.

I'll blog more after work, I'm sure. It really does make me feel better for a short time, and I'll take what I can get.

the freedom of CHOICE.

Today was rough. Yesterday I was numb, today I was a total mess. I was actually mostly okay when I was at home, getting ready for work and such, but as soon as I left the house, I got upset. I ran a couple of errands, and for some reason, that just set me off. I was driving down the road, sobbing my eyes out. I texted my mom, "I miss him so much" and she instantly called me. We both cried really hard on the phone together and talked about things. She asked me if I would ever think about taking him back, since I missed him so much. I told her I didn't know. And I really don't know. I can honestly say I am completely lost. All I know is that I want to choose. I have never gotten a choice in this entire situation. It's not fair.

There are many ways to look at this situation. On one hand, one could say that Matt is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease. If he had been sober, he would have never laid a hand on me. He had never shown any signs of violence before this whatsoever, had never ever raised a hand to me, and that's the honest truth. If Matt were to get help for his disease, and agree on MANY things, perhaps I owe it to myself to give it another chance. Of course, on the other hand, one could say that Matt wouldn't have done this, alcohol or not, unless something in him made him do it. That no matter what, it could happen again, and it's not worth the risk. I see both sides. My mom said she felt like a terrible mother even suggesting it, but she said that she always tried to tell herself that that night, when he did hurt me, he was trying to stop me from screaming and was too drunk to know his own strength. She said that she HAD to tell herself that, that he wasn't REALLY trying to hurt me, just so she could live with it better. I can see that too, considering he mostly held my mouth like that when I was screaming. I don't know, though.

If we ever were to try it again, so many things would have to happen. He would have to promise to never have a DROP of alcohol, ever again, for the rest of forever. If we're at a wedding, and there is champagne, could he have some? NO. Could he have a beer once a year at Christmas? NO. Alcoholics cannot have ANY alcohol. He would have to agree to this immediately, no second thoughts. Also, we would not get back together right away. He would have to prove he was worthy of a second chance, and prove that our relationship would be good and better and that he was truly remorseful for what he did. Even if we did get back together, we would not live together right away. I would need space and time. Also, I would want him to continue going to AA meetings and to take up anger management as well. And even after all this, it may still be impossible for me to trust him again. I'm just saying, if EVER there were a CHANCE that I would let him have another try, all of those things would have to be carried out perfectly.

When we were talking about this, my mom asked me, "Was the relationship even that good? Did you really think you two would get married?" See, that's the thing. I DON'T KNOW. But I would have liked to have continued to see how things went, to think about things, and then MAKE A CHOICE. But I didn't get to make a choice. All of my choices were taken away. Even after the incident, I didn't even get to choose to press charges or not. I didn't get to choose what those charges are, and when it comes time for his punishment, chances are I'll have no say in what that is, either. It sucks. I want to take control of this situation and have a choice. All I know is that I miss him very much, and thinking that there may be more than one way to go in this situation makes me feel a little more comfortable. Today, before I talked to my mom and went to work, I just felt hopeless. I hated crying like that on the phone with her, because I know her heart broke that night right along with mine. But right now, I'm at home, on my bed, right where everything happened, and I feel okay. Of course, in five minutes I could be a mess again, but RIGHT NOW, in this very moment, I feel okay.

I'm going to take that okay moment and enjoy it. That's all I know how to do right now.

...unzip my body, take my heart out...

Tomorrow, I go back to work. Since Sunday night, when it happened, I haven't really done anything. Aside from seeing my family and friends and going out to get food, I haven't done much. No class, no work. Of course, everyone understands, but I've basically just been laying around feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow is going to be difficult. It's only a four hour shift, but I know that someone who knows is going to ask me how I am, or worse, someone who DOESN'T know is going to ask how Matt is. This is just surreal, at this point. It seems like it happened forever ago. Today I feel completely different than I did yesterday. I'm thinking it's denial. This is the longest I've gone not seeing or talking to him for a year, and that's strange. I'm just trying to think of all the times that I asked him to get help, that I suggested he go talk to someone, or offered to go see someone WITH him. But all those times, he refused. And it's not like our relationship was perfect aside from those things, either. We were very different. He did things that really bothered me, and I did things that bothered him. Also, he was conservative and Christian, and I was a liberal atheist. I guess I'm listing all these things to feel better about the "breakup." Man, I wish it had been a normal breakup. Maybe we wouldn't have lasted forever. Maybe we wouldn't have gotten married. But you know what? Like I said before, we could have broken up on good terms and remained friends. We really were such good friends. But we never could be friends now. Ever. What do we talk about? "Oh, wow, Matt, we get along so well as friends, maybe we should date. Oh wait, we tried that, and you tried to smother me one night. Never mind!" We basically can never speak again. And that really fucking sucks. There is nothing that sucks worse than that, right now.

You know what? Yesterday, and the day before, all I wanted to do was lay in the arms of Old Matt and be comforted. But now that I think back on it, he never really made me feel all that comforted. Sometimes I felt tense, or annoyed, or not like cuddling at all. Also, when I was upset, if he didn't AGREE with why I was upset, he wouldn't be very sympathetic. That bothered me.

Do you see what I'm doing? I'm trying to justify this whole thing to make myself feel better. I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop. Also, I haven't cried at all today. I think that's a start, isn't it? Of course, I haven't been alone really yet today, and I'm about to go home from Sam and Caleb's, and nighttime is always my alone/crying time. I think what I really miss is being with someone. I know I will get back into the swing of my alone time, and loving it as usual, but right now I can't. It just seems like I wasted so much time, and so much money, making this happen. I visited him, what, five times? That's airfare for five trips, plus all the money I spent down there. Then, all the tears, and fighting, and stress from being apart. Then the sheer JOY when he got his transfer, and planning the move...to have it all end up like this. Fuck, what a horrible ending to such a good story. It would have been such a fun story to tell my kids...about how their daddy and I met. But now, it's something I want to forget about entirely.

I can't help but wonder what he's thinking, or doing, or feeling. I'm trying so hard not to care, and today I'm more numb than I have been since, but I still care. I can't help it. I devoted myself to him, I gave him all of me. I made sacrifices for him, because I thought he loved me and I thought he was loyal, and faithful, and loving, and wonderful. I didn't mind all the arguing, because I thought what we had rose above all of that. But I guess it didn't. He couldn't have been THAT drunk, because he drove, yet he didn't seem to think twice about putting his hands on me. How could he do that? How in the hell could he do that to the "woman of his dreams?"

Sam and I went to see the kids today, and they were great! I can't remember the last time all three of them were so good. They got along well with each other, they were sweet and funny, and NONE of them cried even once. It was so wonderful, and really what I needed.

This is something I obviously have to take day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I HAD NO CHOICE in this matter, but I have a choice as to where my life goes from here. I want it to go UP, get better. I'm almost 25, and I want someone to be happy with. I want to have a family, with children. But most of all, I want to TRUST my husband and know that he would NEVER put his hands on me in violence and anger, and that he will ALWAYS be there for me no matter what.

Thanks for reading...these blogs have really helped me sort things out.