...maybe it's time to come home...

Hey there. Things are going pretty well right now, and I'll try to explain as best I can.

Matty and I are doing very well right now. He has decided to just feel better about things, and be happier, and so far, so good. I had the inventive idea to send him a webcam, and to buy myself one, so that we could chat face-to-face. Even though we talk on the phone multiple times a day, but I figured that seeing each other while we talk would be even better. Turns out, I had a pretty good idea. It's so nice to see his facial expressions, and him smiling, and him laughing. He really likes it too, and it makes me feel so much closer to him.

Also, we have a visit coming up in TWO WEEKS!! Instead of flying there on December 26, as was the original plan, I'm going there on Christmas night instead, because it's about half the price. Also, it will be kind of a Christmas present to each other to be together on that night. I'm really excited, because I FINALLY get to meet his oldest sister, Jenny. We've kept in contact via Facebook, and it will be nice to be able to hang out with her and her family. Also, a good friend of Matty's, his "surrogate mother," is letting him borrow her futon for a while, so that not only will he have a couch we can snuggle on, but we'll also have somewhere more suitable to sleep! Up until now we've been cramming in his twin bed for sleeping, and neither of us sleeps well, and my back hurts for about two weeks after that. It's nice to be close to him, but it'll be even nicer to still be close to him, but to have more room.

School is winding down, and I can't wait for this semester to be over. I liked one class, I hated the other, and I just want to finish them both and get it over with. I'm ready for a break. Even though I have a winterim, Christmas break will be nice. I mostly can't wait to go to Kansas again. I'm getting really excited for the new year, because that makes it closer to March, which means it's almost time for Matty to come up here FOR GOOD. I tell you, once that happens, I will be the most elated that anyone has ever seen me. We're just eager to be together and to start our lives together, really. That's all either of us wants.

Work is going pretty well, probably because I'm in such a good mood over my relationship. For a while it was pretty hectic, and I was pretty on-edge while I was there, but since Matt's moved has improved, so has mine. When he is happy, and sweet, and loving, I feel happy and sweet and loving as well, toward him of course, but toward everyone and everything in life. He really does make me a better person. Lately he's also been worried about us, and wondering why I want to be with him, and whether or not I'm going to leave him. I know it's because of how his marriage ended, and what happened between them, but all I can do is try to show him that I'm not like that. I would never leave him, it breaks my heart to think about him being worried about that. He definitely has nothing to be afraid of.

I'm getting tired, so I guess i'll stop for now and continue later on.

...i thought this place was an empire...

I feel like this blog is going to be out of context, because I haven't updated in quite a while. I wrote one, but I didn't post it, because I thought it might have been to revealing. I guess not too many people read this thing, so it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but for some reason, I'm reluctant.

Anyway, things aren't the greatest right now. Matt's lonely, and depressed, and things are tough between us because of that and because we've fought a lot lately. I get scared, day to day, because I'm not sure how he feels anymore. Sometimes it just feels like he's going to throw in the towel any day and decide it's too hard to do anymore. I told him that in 90 days, he could be here, living with me, and everything would be so much better. When we talk about that, he seems to get happier. But sometimes, I think the bad stuff overwhelms the good for him, and I'm afraid he's going to let that get the best of him and we won't be able to even get through those 90 days and he'll end it before then.

I'm also very worried about his health. His chest has always hurt him once and a while, but lately, it's hurt him more. He drinks too much, and he's decided (and I've pleaded) that he can't do that anymore. He's seriously worried that he might have a heart attack. He's been to doctors over the years, and they can't find anything wrong with his heart, which reassures me, but worries him because they don't know anything. Last night he was at his parents' house (which I think does him a world of good) and he took some aspirin, which is good for pain, and for the heart. We talked for over three hours, and even though we had a bit of a difficult discussion, things went pretty well. His chest got better, so I'm hoping he keeps up with the aspirin and keeps away from the beer. Also, he said he'd make a doctor's appointment, and his mom told him that if he needed help paying for it, they'd help him. She also told him to get out of his lease and move back in with them. That's huge for her. She's been much better ever since Matt moved out. I think she really misses him. She's actually acting like a good mother, and I think that definitely helps. He seems to be in such better spirits when he's at his parents' house. Not only is it comfortable and familiar, but he's around people, too. At his apartment he's always alone, it's cold, and damp, and not very homey for him. I can't wait until his lease is up and he can get up here, with me. I told him I wanted him to come up here as soon as he can, whether or not he finds a job right away. We'll be fine for a while, until he finds a job. Money isn't as important as someone's health and happiness. I know, if he were here, I could take care of him and he would be happier and healthier. That is all that matters. Besides, he hates his job. Why stay somewhere you hate, all alone and sad, to work a job you hate? Makes no sense to me. Sure, I undersatnd responsibility, and making a living, but nothing supercedes health and happiness. Life is too damn short for that.

We have such good days, sometimes, such good talks, and those ALWAYS outshine the bad moments for me. Last night, he asked me if that were the case, which took me back a little, because I always thought I made that obvious. Apparently I have a lot of things to work on, too. But as long as the good outshines the bad, we'll be fine. I don't plan on going anywhere.

That's where things are, right now. Back and forth, up and down...but that's a relationship, right? The next time I'll be able to go there is December 26, and we'll see how that goes.

i can feel the world shake from the words that i've said...

I haven't written in a while, but I need to get some things out. It seems like the best outlet in the world, for me, is to write, so that's what I'm going to do.

I just got back, on Wednesday, from my second visit to Kansas. It went well, although we argued a bit more than usual. He was in his new apartment, so I was able to be there with him, and it was much more home-y than a hotel room. It was the first time he had stayed there overnight, so it was nice to experience that with him.

Since I've gotten back home, though, things haven't been so great. I felt so bad leaving him there, at his place, because since he had just started staying there, he wasn't used to being there without me. And besides that, I left my hair and smell all over his house. lol Of course, I'm upset for myself, but at the same time, I'm constantly worried about how he's feeling. On Wednesday, the day I went home, he was missing me very much. Thursday seemed to be even worse, and at night before we got off the phone, he was telling me that I didn't love him, and that I was annoyed with him, because I was trying to get him off the phone so he could sleep. He says he was joking, but I knew there was some truth behind it. That made me feel bad.

Yesterday, it seemed like he was still negative about things. We got into an argument on Friday night, which turned slowly but surely into a fight. He was bringing up things about my life around here, and he seemed to think of most of them in quite a negative light. I got defensive, and we started to fight.

It got later and later, and he got more and more tired. I knew it was late, and he needed to get to bed, but the more upset I got, the more I wanted to discuss things and work it out. It got to the point where he was literally screaming at me because he wanted to get off the phone and go to bed. I ended up hanging up on him. I was absolutely floored, I had never heard him react like that in my life.

Today, things weren't much better. He blamed me for the fight last night, and told me that it was my fault that I didn't let him go to bed. I accepted fault, but I told him it takes two people to fight, and that he wasn't entirely blameless. We got into yet another fight, and he told me he wanted to take a break from talking to me and go to his friends' house for a Halloween get-together. I told him I wasn't okay with that, that I didn't want to go another night of agony without resolving things.

We took a couple more minutes on the phone, and things ended up kind of okay, although I was in tears, then broke down into sobs after hanging up. I don't want to act like a crazy person. I don't want to be upset. But it seems like the more visits we have, the worse we do at being apart. I know that this situation isn't ideal. I know that sometimes, it sucks. But we started our relationship based upon our awesome communication, and I don't think there's any reason that we have to let that die. Sure, we crave each other's touch, and the comfort that comes with each other's physical presence. We love it so much, it's amazing. But we can also remember it, and imagine it, and talk about it on the phone until we can have it again.

We both know these things, but it's so easy to get frustrated and let it get the best of us. Writing helps me realize these things, and I know he knows them, too. We just forget. Even though we're loving, smart, and amazing humans, we're still humans. Also, we're both so damn proud, and it's hard for us to swallow our pride and let our guards down, admit how we feel, and apologize. It's so important, and usually we end at that, but we both have our fair share of stubbornness to get through, first. I think I've gotten through mine.

It's nice, though, that during the angriest of fights, during the meanest of times, we can still (begrudgingly) admit that we love each other, and always will. It's a beautiful thing to know that, no matter what, we are both in this for the long haul. Ending things aren't an option. There's a security there that I've never had before, and we both know that each other is the one.

That's something soft and comfortable that I'll lay my head on, tonight.

fair (adj.) - Moderately good; acceptable or satisfactory

I'm used to having control over things. I have no idea what to do when I lose that control, when I feel completely helpless, so I'm writing. Writing is all I know how to do to process things.

I feel, literally, like I've been beat up. I think I have bronchitis again, but that's the underlying problem, right now. Right at the forefront is the fact that this morning, I woke up in Kansas next to the love of my life, and right now, not even twelve hours later, I'm sitting on my couch in Wisconsin.

I guess I should probably go over (most of) the specifics of the visit, since I'm assuming most of you are reading this for that. I'll indulge you.

My flight was on time, better yet, it was early. It was supposed to take 1hr30mins, instead, we landed after barely an hour. I was hoping I had beat Matt to the KC airport, so I could have time to freak out a bit, but I called him and he was already there. I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes and we talked on the phone, until I was pretty sure he was outside the bathroom I was in. I went out there, and sure enough, there he was.

He was gorgeous. I didn't know what to do, so I hugged him, hard. Then, when we pulled back, we hugged again. I was so nervous, and overwhelmed, and my heart was pounding out of my chest. We walked hand-in-hand to the baggage claim, and I grabbed my suitcase off the rotating thingie, and he wheeled it for me and we went outside.

I could barely look at him. It was just so strange, and looking back on it now, a mere four days later, it seems ridiculous to have felt that way. We got into the car, and I finally looked at him, and we kissed a few times. So wonderful. I was flustered, and blushing, and I know I was talking a mile a minute, but I couldn't stop.

We finally got on the road, and I still had a hard time looking at him. Soon enough, though, he flipped up the armrests and had me come snuggle up under his arm with my head on his shoulder. That almost immediately calmed me down, it was amazing. It was obvious, then, that this was the person I knew so well, that I was in love with, that I was going to marry. This was Matty, not some stranger who picked me up at the airport.

We decided to go straight to his parents' house instead of stopping at my hotel first, so then I went from relaxed right back to nervous. I was wary about meeting them, for a few different reasons, but mostly because they were his parents.

That ended up being fine. They were cool, and his mom made tacos. I was too nervous to eat, so I just sat there and chatted with everyone. I met his sister Amanda, and her boyfriend Tyler, and they were nice. It was just basically a normal time.

We headed back to the hotel, then, and we finally got the alone time we'd been waiting for, craving, talking about for months. Obviously I won't go into detail on here, but being physically close to him, and being able to show my love for him, was amazing. It's always a fear, with relationships like this, that things won't work out as well in person as they did online/on the phone. But in this case, things worked out even better, which I didn't even think was possible.

We stayed up late that night, watching stupid game shows in bed and laughing. There is nothing more wonderful than that, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing about it. That was a wonderful night.

Sunday we ran around a bit, went to see a few of his co-workers who wanted to meet me, and went and saw his new apartment. We went back to the hotel and laid around for a while, then decided to head back over to his parents' house to watch football with his dad. His mom made chicken fettucine alfredo, and it was so delicious. Matt and I watched a couple of RoH matches he wanted to show me, and it was amazing. Not only was it nice to see those great matches, but being able to hang out as friends and watch them together made me love him -- and our relationship -- even more. I always tell him this, but I love the different facets of our relationship. We are head over heels in love, we have great physical chemistry, and we really are best friends.

We headed back to the room after not too late, because he had to work early Monday morning. We watched another wrestling match at the hotel, and later, Matt told me that doing that together absolutely solidified the fact that he wants to marry me. It might sound "weird" to some people, but I understand completely. We actually owe a lot to wrestling. It's the reason we met, after all.

Monday morning was amazing. The alarm went off at 5:17, and he was awake instantly, bright eyed, bushy tailed, ready to go. It was so nice waking up with him and seeing a glimpse of his daily routine. I ended up going back to sleep a bit later, but before he left for work, we had an incredible morning. It was so nice.

During the day I worked on some school work, and literally waited for him at the window to come home. I was never so happy to see anyone in my life, and I knew then that I wanted him to come home to me for the rest of my life.

Not much cuddly alone time on Monday, because we had a date to be in Topeka to watch the Packers/Vikings game with Shawn and Betsy. I was nervous again, too, because I hadn't met them in person yet, either. Also, another "friend", Rob, had threatened to show up. He and Matt have a bit of a backstory, and so I was worried that something would happen there. Rob didn't show up, though, and we had a great time with Shawn and Betsy. She made amazing pork ribs and homemade mashed potatoes, and Matt and I thought we had died and gone to Heaven. The game was a horrible disappointment, but other than that, we had a great time.

We went back to the hotel pretty late, and we got into an argument in the car. Most of the talk about moving had been about Matt coming up to Wisconsin, but there might be difficulties with him transferring his job up there, so he was wondering what I would think about coming to live with him in KS until we could get up to WI. It wasn't a bad argument, we were both stressed out and a bit riled up, and said things we might not have meant. When we got back to the hotel I unofficially ended the fight, and the rest of the evening was quite pleasant.

lol Matt is a funny sleeper. One night (I think Sunday), he was sleeping, and all of a sudden, he bolted upright and sat with his back to me on the edge of the bed. I was kind of scared, so I put my hand on his back and said, "Honey? Are you okay?" He said, "There were strings in my face...right?" I said, "No..." He said, "They were red and silver!" I said, "No Honey..." And he said, "Okay..." and laid back down. I told him about it the next day, and he had no recollection of it whatsoever. So adorable. Every single quirk that comes out, I absolutely adore.

Tuesday was our last full day, and I was very reluctant to let him get out of bed, let alone the room. We went to Pizza Hut and grabbed a pizza, then laid low for most of the day, which was ideal to me. I never wanted to be anti-social by any means, but I would have been completely happy never leaving the hotel room for four straight days. And not necessarily to do hotel-room things, but just to be together, alone, and have time to talk, and cuddle, and just BE. I could have just stared at him non-stop for four days and it wouldn't have been enough.

Tuesday night we went and saw his best friend Caleb, and his surrogate mother, Caleb's mother, Marcia. She seemed to be the most excited to meet me, second only to Matt, of course. She was very sweet, and it was so flattering that she cared to meet me so much.

We only stayed there for a bit, because I really wanted to get back to the hotel and have time together. We watched I Love You, Man, and then Matt started to get sleepy. Things were very rough. I didn't want to sleep, because I knew if I fell asleep, the time would fly away and I would have to leave. Instead, I sat there and sobbed, and touched him, and smelled him, and tried to memorize everything. He kept waking up, distracted by my crying, and trying to comfort me. It was stressing him out, and his chest started to hurt. All in all, it was awful.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I know I did. We were going to wake up at 5:17 (he has an affection for that specific time, apparently), but he woke me up instead, a few minutes early, by cuddling and kissing me. That beats the hell out of any alarm clock in the world.

I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to put on an outfit, and zip up my suitcase, and start getting ready for the day. I knew where we were headed, I knew I would be gone within a couple of hours, and that wasn't okay with me.

We both felt kind of sick, so aside from some hugging and a couple of kisses, we weren't very affectionate this morning. It was to be expected, and neither of us took it personally.

Despite what was happening, the drive was pretty nice. I rubbed his neck most of the way, and we talked pleasantly about a bunch of things, and told each other how we felt, and how nice the visit was, and how much we appreciate each other. I'd have to say that's what I love most about our relationship, the fact that we ALWAYS tell each other how we feel, and what we love and admire about one another. That is so extremely important.

The airport was easier than I thought it would be, I guess, but still hard. I think most of my tears were used up the night before. He walked me to security, and after many hugs and kisses, and some tears shed by me, I made him leave. I didn't watch him go, I let go of him and told him to leave, and I didn't turn around. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know it was hard for him to leave. I got in the security line, and the lady was so sweet to me. She told me that he and I should get married, and was willing to call him over and tell him that, but he was already gone. It was very sweet.

The flight was fine, I basically just closed my eyes and waited to get to Milwaukee. I texted Matt when I got on the plane, and he sent me a very sweet text back. We decided that I would come back down in mid-November, so now, we have begun a new countdown. It's only a little over five weeks, but that's a little over five weeks too long.

I have never wanted to be with anyone more in my entire life, and I know this is for real. This is going to be one of the hardest things either of us has ever had to go through, but you know what? We can absolutely do it. Life isn't fair, but hopefully, after all that we've been through and after all we are going through, we'll have a long, beautiful, happy life together. It's only a matter of time until we're together permanately, and we have to be strong. Right now I'm okay, but if I hear a song, or see a commercial, or something simple like that that reminds me of him, I lose my composure. He made me a mixed tape, and I have it, but I haven't dared to listen to it, yet. I know that it will be a huge crying fest.

I love him so much, and I would give anything to be able to see him right now. I am so lucky to have him, and I'm so incredibly blessed that he feels exactly the same way about me.

Is this situation "fair", as in consistent with rules, logic, or ethics? Probably not. To me, it certainly defies 'logic' to be away from the person that makes your life amazing. Is life "fair"? Judging by that definition, up there, I'd say it certainly is. It's more than fair, actually. It's good. I feel awful today, but when it comes right down to it, I have an amazing man who would do anything for me, and I share that exact same affection for him.

That was my trip, folks, in a nutshell. If you want to know anything more, or, you know, the juicy details, hit me up privately. :)

I love you, Matt.

an amazing turnaround...

Wow. Have things changed dramatically from my last blog. That was over a month and a half ago, and let me tell you, my life went from "bipolar" (which is how I described it in my last blog) to almost blissful. Allow me to explain, eh?

Matty and I are now a happy couple. No, scratch that. We are absolutely, completely, head-over-heels in love with each other. How amazing is that? I don't even know exactly how it happened, it was kind of a whirlwind. We started talking more and more, which I didn't know was possible, since we have talked almost every single day for months. Sure, we got into some arguments, as detailed in my last blog, and definitely had some rough patches, and I got jealous, but for some reason, I calmed down. After the whole jealous incident with the girl he was planning on dating, I involuntarily became relaxed with the situation. Somehow I had the feeling that everything would be okay, that I just needed to sit back and let things work out how they were supposed to. I have NEVER been that type of person, you know? I mean, I'm not crazy jealous or anything, but I definitely get a bit protective and unsettled when the person I'm interested in in gets interested in someone else. But within the past month or so, I just enjoyed what Matt and I had, enjoyed our rapport, our conversation, our loving friendship. Even when he talked about possibly dating other girls, or being interested in someone, I just wanted him to be happy. It was unlike it has ever been with anyone else.

So we kept talking more and more, and our banter got more flirty, and giddy, and intense. Matt kept seeming more and more interested, and I just went with the flow, not knowing exactly what was going to happen. It's all kind of a blur, and I know things were happening before this, but I remember a couple weeks ago, on a Monday, me, Sam, Cal, and Eric went to see A Perfect Getaway at the theatre. (By the way, I don't recommend it.) Anyway, I checked my phone mid-movie, and I had a couple texts from Matt. One of which read: "By the way, I'm crazy about you." I remember my heart jumping, my knees going weak, all that good stuff. From then on, it's just been amazing.

I can't even begin to explain how I feel about him. I mean, I have always cared about him, and in the past few months I have had romantic feelings for him, but this is unlike anything I've ever experienced for anyone else. I mean, it's at the point where I know I'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life, and he feels the exact same way. Do you know how extraordinary that is? That is just unbelievable. Last night he called at 12:45 at night, and we talked until 4:30 in the morning. We never run out of things to talk about, we play off of each other so well, and it's just such a well-rounded relationship. Even though we're 600+ miles away from each other, I never feel alone. I always feel loved, and protected, and respected, and cared for. There has been times that I have dated someone, and been constantly around them and in the same room with them, and I've felt alone. Matt never makes me feel alone.

The plane ticket is already booked. I fly out of Milwaukee to Kansas City on October 3rd, and return on October 7th. I'll most likely take a second trip there in mid-December, then when he gets two weeks off of work in February, he'll be up here. Then, eventually, he will look into transferring his job up here, to live. He's so amazing. Nobody has ever shown this amount of love for me, and I genuinely believe that he will love me and care for me for the rest of my life, as I will for him. I am not this type of girl, the type that swoons over things like this, but this is different. This is for real.

I could write all day about him, but unfortunately, considering I was on the phone until 4:30 this morning, I am quite exhausted. I just wanted to write this, wanted to document what's been going on, considering I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

Someday, I'll read this blog to my children. It's quite a story, I think.

i've been kicked in the face, still i come back for more...

Damn, if there's any time I NEED to blog, it's right now.

My life is so damn bipolar lately. Not me, my life. It cannot seem to decide if it wants to be good or bad, happy or sad. (How cute, a little rhyme.)

Seriously though, lately it seems like if one thing starts falling into place, something else goes haywire. Nate has a new lease signed already, and he moves into the new place August 1st. He and I are actually getting along pretty well, and we usually have a good time hanging out. Things with M WERE going really well, and then all of a sudden, for seemingly no reason, that started going bad too. And this was, like, in the last 48 hours!! Let me explain.

Usually our "rapport" is great. We have hours of wrestling talk mixed with witty banter mixed with flirtation from BOTH sides. Sometimes it's utterly terrific. Then once and a while, like yesterday, we get in an argument over something stupid. This time he was overtired and grouchy, and I took that to heart, and so we both said some mean things and had a fight. But that (kinda) got cleared up.

Today's a different story. I kind of had a feeling something was going on, and sure enough, he's thinking about dating some girl he knows, some girl that he sort of complains about intermittently. It's times like these that he expects me to take off my Crush hat, put on my Best Friend hat, and I don't know, be happy with the situation. I can't. And then, of course, instead of the "I miss yous" and "Come down and visit sooner than September", it's suddenly changed to "You expect too much from me" and "We're just friends". I know that I'm oversensitive sometimes, but seriously. I feel like M is okay with seeing where things go between us until, I don't know, he gets sick of it and decides to date someone closer in proximity to him. And for some reason, he doesn't think that he acts totally up and down with me. Sure, I'm sure I may be taking SOME things close to heart, but let me give you an example.

On Saturday, he called from a housewarming party. Sure, he had had a few drinks, but some say that the truth comes out when that happens. Anyway, even though I told him multiple times I could let him off the phone and enjoy the party, he insisted that he wanted to talk to me. I was upset about Nate and some other girl at the time, and he told me that Nate was an idiot, and no use being upset over, and that I was wonderful. He also said, "Whether I'm in your life as your boyfriend, or husband, or best friend, hopefully I'll be in it for a long time." Sure, fine, maybe it's a nice thing to say. But do you see how things like this can have me flying high? And then, yesterday, just two short days later, he tells me that I have "unreal expectations" of him. That's usually what happens when something's going on, so of course I find out today that he's been thinking about dating someone. Argh.

Do I even want someone that can make me feel so useless sometimes? Seriously, it's a damn shame sometimes that he and I have got such a connection. It'd be a whole lot easier if he was some big idiot, because then if this happened I wouldn't be so upset by it. But I guess if he were a so-called big idiot I wouldn't have had this connection with him in the first place.

It's so dumb. If I were there, physically, in Kansas (God forbid, haha), I think things would be totally different. I feel like I'm always at a disadvantage because I live far away. That's not my fault, but it's not his either. It just isn't fair, but I guess, what is? I always feel this way about Neil and Sean and Nick and the rest of them up there too...that we can't be as close as the friends they have there because I'm so damn far away. I try so much to maintain as close a bond as possible, hell, I even dropped how much money to go visit them, but it's hard. Speaking of which, thank the world for Dyl. What would I do without him, being there, understanding what I'm talking about without me even saying it? He's just so tuned in to what I'm thinking. And even though he is a man (:-P) he always knows the right thing to say. Last night I said, "I think he's too good looking for me." And what does Dylan say? "No one is too good looking for my Beth." <3

Why are people so damn afraid of what's "hard"? If something's so easy to get it probably isn't worth it. Right now I just feel really dejected, and rejected, and objected to. Ha, I'm good with words. But seriously, I know this will probably pass, but it has hung with me all day, a tiny little dark cloud in the background, even as I spent some wonderful with my three little monkeys. It didn't ruin my life, or even my day, I don't think much could. But still, I don't like the feeling. I've always felt that M is kind of my vacation from things because it's been such a joy to talk to him. But where is that joy now? Where did it go somewhere during the last 48 hours? I don't know, but I want it back. And I think it's BOTH of our faults that said joy has gone into hiding for a little while. I hope it comes back, peeping its head out of the closet, and that we can coax it back out and give it a hug and never let it go.

I told him today that if he had a girlfriend in September I wasn't going to visit. I know that's unfair, but God, I was hurt. I probably still will go. I don't know what's going to happen with me, or with him, or with anything else, really. It's just hard to have to play two roles. I wish I could just play one, the best friend role, but like he would say I have VISCERAL reactions to things and there's nothing I can do about those.

I guess I wish I didn't always feel like the backup. I love being one of the guys usually, I love shooting the shit about wrestling and football, but when this happens, I hate being the buddy. It makes me feel ugly and undesirable, to be completely honest. Call that a typical female reaction if you will, but it is what it is. And in all honesty, I'm too good for it. I know M cares about me, under it all I know he does, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it at all. It seems like I'm good enough when there's nobody else in the picture; that he wants to see what's going to happen, but then all of a sudden...I'm back on the bench. It just sucks.

I guess I wouldn't care so much if he wasn't such a great person, and if I wasn't such a great person, and if I didn't think we'd be so great together...

What the hell do I know, anyway?

abandon all hope, ye who enter here...

Hey everyone. I haven't written in almost a week and some interesting things have happened, so I decided to write quick and update.

Nate and I have gotten a little better I suppose. We've been talking more civilly to each other, with the exception of Sunday night. Sunday we went to the WWE pay-per-view at The Bar here in town, which we do every time. Anyway, during the pre-show M texted me, and Nate freaked out. He had just told me that he would stop freaking out about my communication with M, but apparently he forgot about that. Although my brother ripped him a new one about being mature Nate got his check, paid it, and stormed out.

I tried my best to enjoy the show and have fun with my friends, but of course it still bothered me. Eric informed me that Nate had called him and was in the midst of packing a bag and going over to stay at his parents'. Nate ignored a few texts of mine, then finally got back to me and told me that he was going to continue paying and everything but was going to stay at his parents' until our lease was up.

This gave me mixed feelings. I didn't feel right about him leaving the house, because it is his too, but I figured that this may be for the best. It's very hard for anything to get adequately figured out when we're living together, and I understand that it's hard for him to live with me when we're not together. To tell you the truth it's not all that easy for me either sometimes. I think he thinks I'm such a terrible person that doesn't give a crap about him and is just trying to get rid of him at the first turn, but that's obviously not true. I'm not a monster, I do have feelings. It's not easy for me to forget about so much that has happened, and of course I still love him. He's been my best friend for almost four years, and we shared a lot of good times too. But this is the way it has to be because neither of us was happy the way things were. Last night we also had a really good talk...for once there was no yelling, no accusing, no tears. I really like when that happens, those are the times that I feel good being around him and I feel like we can always be there for each other. He's such a good person, I just want him to be happy. But, of course, I need to be happy too.

It makes me sick thinking that I could be moving again in two months. I love this place so much, I would much rather just find a roommate to fill the other room and pay the other half of the bills and stay put. I love it, the cats love it, it's a great neighborhood...sigh. This really sucks. The emotional shit is bad enough, the economic and inconvenient shit is just the icing on top of a really stale and gross cake.

The only bright spot in all this is M. Most of the time we have such great conversations, and no matter how my day goes it seems like he can always make me feel pretty good. Isn't it weird how things like that go? I'm still not sure how he feels about me half the time, which makes me unsure of how I feel about him. Okay, so usually I'm pretty sure I guess, but it still makes me hold back. Some nights, like Sunday, he is all flattery, and flirtation, and refuses to get off the phone no matter how many times I tell him he needs to get some sleep. Those are the times that I feel good about how things are going. I mean, I enjoy talking to him no matter what because we have such a good rapport, but things like that just make it even sweeter. Other days, though, like today, he's a little more reserved with sweetness and a little more liberal with...brashness? There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but then he sometimes says things that make me wonder how he really does feel. The distance is also a problem, obviously. There is just so much to think about lately that I almost feel like my head could explode.

Sleep should fix that...right?

I'm attaching one of my favorite pics as of late...my little niece in her cute dress with a balloon in her belly. lol So adorable.

not sure about this...

Hey guys, I'm not sure I have a ton to blog about today, but since I'm bored I figured why the hell not?

Last night I was a bit put off because the person for whom I have some unsure feelings (let's call him M) didn't call, and he usually does at least once a day. For some reason, perhaps because I had had a bad couple of days, this really upset me. Turns out he worked late last night and had to work early this morning, which I knew, so he just went right to bed. In light of the conversation we had had Tuesday night this unsettled me. I wrote him a Facebook message explaining my thoughts, and I'm not sure this was a good idea. I hate putting myself out there like that; making myself vulnerable and letting people know how I feel. He already has enough of an upper hand in this "relationship" of ours, the last thing I need is to give him even MORE.

Things with Nate are a little strange too. Sometimes I find myself missing him, and his presence makes me feel comforted. But I know that we weren't happy together, and I'm wondering if we ever could be or if it would always be this feeling of comfort and safety. That is necessary to have in a relationship, obviously, but you need more than that, right?

I talked to M on the phone tonight, and I have to admit, I was a little bit sassy. I'm sure it was left over anger/sadness from the Tuesday night phone call, and he definitely picked up on it. He battled this sassiness with little quips about "reconciling" with his ex-wife, which definitely got under my skin, as I'm sure he intended it to. I asked him why he called me early instead of after nine when his free minutes kicked in, and he said that he wanted to show me that he cared about me by using his minutes on me. Little things like that definitely make me remember why he and I have such a good rapport, I just DETEST this thing with his ex. I mean, I want him to be happy, but I also want ME to be happy. He told me that he wants me to come visit REGARDLESS of what happens between them, but that's insane. I mean, all I'm going down there for is to hang out, I don't expect anything else to happen, but I don't think it's proper for some girl from the internet to come and visit a married man. Also, I don't want him to get sucked back into her ridiculous shit again and get hurt another time...the last time almost killed him.

I wish things were simple. It would be ideal if everything would work out with Nate, but I can't make myself feel happy if I'm not, and neither can he. Also I don't know if M and I could work out, but I don't want that chance to crash before it even had a chance to get off the ground.

On another negative front, I feel like I'm losing my Canadian friends. Dyl's always there for me, and he and I talk regularly which I LOVE, but I also miss the rest of them. Marc actually responded with concern to reading my last post, which I appreciate so much. They're such a great group of guys but I feel like we don't talk nearly as much as we used to before I visited there in March. I basically have to beat Neil about the head to get him to talk at all, and Sean is never online to talk, and I never get texts from him anymore asking me to call. I think he's too busy with Kim or whoever to care that we're not talking. All in all it makes me feel shitty. I know life and friendships and relationships go in cycles, but that doesn't mean I have to lose my friends, does it? I certainly hope not.

Tomorrow's Friday, then the weekend. I have off Sunday, but a co-worker is bugging me to work for him. Not sure if I'm going to do it yet. I need the money, but I was looking forward to having it off.

The pic at the top is of my kittens. Oscar is on the right and Olivia is on the left. Liv is sitting on my lap as I write this, and I don't know how I'd live without them. They love me no matter what and I know they'll always be there. I know it sounds stupid, but it's true.

Let's get this show on the road.....

Let's see, my first post on Blogspot...let's start it off with some cheerfulness!!...or not.

Things aren't going well at the moment. Nate and I broke up because we're not happy. Of course, since I was the one to set these breakup wheels into motion, it's apparently my fault, even though he admitted he wasn't happy either. I love when that happens. Of course we live together, which brings up many more problems than the common breakup usually does. Our lease is up in August, but to tell you the truth, I don't want to go anywhere. I'd even live with him as a friend. although that would probably be weird for a while. I think he would have a lot harder time with it than I would. I love this apartment so much, it's beautiful and big, the cats love it, and I'm settled in and comfy here. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too, but breaking up is traumatic enough without uprooting everything else, right? Maybe I'm just naive.

There are also problems with another person in my life, a person for whom I have some unsure feelings. Things have been going just beautifully until last night, when a 10pm phone call dropped the bombshell that there MAY be an impending reconciliation with his soon-to-be ex-wife. I've been playing a dual role with this guy, and it's hard to maintain this when things like that come up. On one side I'm his best friend, and on the other side, I am this fun, unsure flirtation with whom he has a "rapport" of sorts. I just really hate having to fulfill one role while the other one prevents me from doing so. For example last night I wanted to give him advice while wearing the "best friend" hat, but then, of course, these unsure "feelings" of mine crept in and slightly sabotaged that. And the fact that he was so elated about it made it even worse. I don't want to begrudge him his happiness, what kind of best friend would that make me? But on the other hand I don't want him to be hurt again, and I also don't want to forego any chance that he and I might have, slim as that chance may be.

Then there's money. Well, money isn't technically the problem, it's the lack of it. I'm feeling the burn of this economy, and the one part-time job I have isn't cutting it. I've been looking for a second one, but there seems to be nothing out there. I guess all I can do is keep looking until I find something and rely on the help of my mother until then. I hate that more than anything, but what else can I do?

I don't know about me and Nate either. I don't want to hurt him, he's such a great person, and he's one of my very very best friends. And I know that with him I would be safe and taken care of, but if we're not happy then none of that even matters! I wish I could explain that to people because some of them still don't seem to get it. I want to be HAPPY, not just content and comfortable. Am I right, or like my friend would say, is that idea too quixotic?