I haven't written in a while, but I need to get some things out. It seems like the best outlet in the world, for me, is to write, so that's what I'm going to do.
I just got back, on Wednesday, from my second visit to Kansas. It went well, although we argued a bit more than usual. He was in his new apartment, so I was able to be there with him, and it was much more home-y than a hotel room. It was the first time he had stayed there overnight, so it was nice to experience that with him.
Since I've gotten back home, though, things haven't been so great. I felt so bad leaving him there, at his place, because since he had just started staying there, he wasn't used to being there without me. And besides that, I left my hair and smell all over his house. lol Of course, I'm upset for myself, but at the same time, I'm constantly worried about how he's feeling. On Wednesday, the day I went home, he was missing me very much. Thursday seemed to be even worse, and at night before we got off the phone, he was telling me that I didn't love him, and that I was annoyed with him, because I was trying to get him off the phone so he could sleep. He says he was joking, but I knew there was some truth behind it. That made me feel bad.
Yesterday, it seemed like he was still negative about things. We got into an argument on Friday night, which turned slowly but surely into a fight. He was bringing up things about my life around here, and he seemed to think of most of them in quite a negative light. I got defensive, and we started to fight.
It got later and later, and he got more and more tired. I knew it was late, and he needed to get to bed, but the more upset I got, the more I wanted to discuss things and work it out. It got to the point where he was literally screaming at me because he wanted to get off the phone and go to bed. I ended up hanging up on him. I was absolutely floored, I had never heard him react like that in my life.
Today, things weren't much better. He blamed me for the fight last night, and told me that it was my fault that I didn't let him go to bed. I accepted fault, but I told him it takes two people to fight, and that he wasn't entirely blameless. We got into yet another fight, and he told me he wanted to take a break from talking to me and go to his friends' house for a Halloween get-together. I told him I wasn't okay with that, that I didn't want to go another night of agony without resolving things.
We took a couple more minutes on the phone, and things ended up kind of okay, although I was in tears, then broke down into sobs after hanging up. I don't want to act like a crazy person. I don't want to be upset. But it seems like the more visits we have, the worse we do at being apart. I know that this situation isn't ideal. I know that sometimes, it sucks. But we started our relationship based upon our awesome communication, and I don't think there's any reason that we have to let that die. Sure, we crave each other's touch, and the comfort that comes with each other's physical presence. We love it so much, it's amazing. But we can also remember it, and imagine it, and talk about it on the phone until we can have it again.
We both know these things, but it's so easy to get frustrated and let it get the best of us. Writing helps me realize these things, and I know he knows them, too. We just forget. Even though we're loving, smart, and amazing humans, we're still humans. Also, we're both so damn proud, and it's hard for us to swallow our pride and let our guards down, admit how we feel, and apologize. It's so important, and usually we end at that, but we both have our fair share of stubbornness to get through, first. I think I've gotten through mine.
It's nice, though, that during the angriest of fights, during the meanest of times, we can still (begrudgingly) admit that we love each other, and always will. It's a beautiful thing to know that, no matter what, we are both in this for the long haul. Ending things aren't an option. There's a security there that I've never had before, and we both know that each other is the one.
That's something soft and comfortable that I'll lay my head on, tonight.
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