...i thought this place was an empire...

I feel like this blog is going to be out of context, because I haven't updated in quite a while. I wrote one, but I didn't post it, because I thought it might have been to revealing. I guess not too many people read this thing, so it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but for some reason, I'm reluctant.

Anyway, things aren't the greatest right now. Matt's lonely, and depressed, and things are tough between us because of that and because we've fought a lot lately. I get scared, day to day, because I'm not sure how he feels anymore. Sometimes it just feels like he's going to throw in the towel any day and decide it's too hard to do anymore. I told him that in 90 days, he could be here, living with me, and everything would be so much better. When we talk about that, he seems to get happier. But sometimes, I think the bad stuff overwhelms the good for him, and I'm afraid he's going to let that get the best of him and we won't be able to even get through those 90 days and he'll end it before then.

I'm also very worried about his health. His chest has always hurt him once and a while, but lately, it's hurt him more. He drinks too much, and he's decided (and I've pleaded) that he can't do that anymore. He's seriously worried that he might have a heart attack. He's been to doctors over the years, and they can't find anything wrong with his heart, which reassures me, but worries him because they don't know anything. Last night he was at his parents' house (which I think does him a world of good) and he took some aspirin, which is good for pain, and for the heart. We talked for over three hours, and even though we had a bit of a difficult discussion, things went pretty well. His chest got better, so I'm hoping he keeps up with the aspirin and keeps away from the beer. Also, he said he'd make a doctor's appointment, and his mom told him that if he needed help paying for it, they'd help him. She also told him to get out of his lease and move back in with them. That's huge for her. She's been much better ever since Matt moved out. I think she really misses him. She's actually acting like a good mother, and I think that definitely helps. He seems to be in such better spirits when he's at his parents' house. Not only is it comfortable and familiar, but he's around people, too. At his apartment he's always alone, it's cold, and damp, and not very homey for him. I can't wait until his lease is up and he can get up here, with me. I told him I wanted him to come up here as soon as he can, whether or not he finds a job right away. We'll be fine for a while, until he finds a job. Money isn't as important as someone's health and happiness. I know, if he were here, I could take care of him and he would be happier and healthier. That is all that matters. Besides, he hates his job. Why stay somewhere you hate, all alone and sad, to work a job you hate? Makes no sense to me. Sure, I undersatnd responsibility, and making a living, but nothing supercedes health and happiness. Life is too damn short for that.

We have such good days, sometimes, such good talks, and those ALWAYS outshine the bad moments for me. Last night, he asked me if that were the case, which took me back a little, because I always thought I made that obvious. Apparently I have a lot of things to work on, too. But as long as the good outshines the bad, we'll be fine. I don't plan on going anywhere.

That's where things are, right now. Back and forth, up and down...but that's a relationship, right? The next time I'll be able to go there is December 26, and we'll see how that goes.