i've been kicked in the face, still i come back for more...

Damn, if there's any time I NEED to blog, it's right now.

My life is so damn bipolar lately. Not me, my life. It cannot seem to decide if it wants to be good or bad, happy or sad. (How cute, a little rhyme.)

Seriously though, lately it seems like if one thing starts falling into place, something else goes haywire. Nate has a new lease signed already, and he moves into the new place August 1st. He and I are actually getting along pretty well, and we usually have a good time hanging out. Things with M WERE going really well, and then all of a sudden, for seemingly no reason, that started going bad too. And this was, like, in the last 48 hours!! Let me explain.

Usually our "rapport" is great. We have hours of wrestling talk mixed with witty banter mixed with flirtation from BOTH sides. Sometimes it's utterly terrific. Then once and a while, like yesterday, we get in an argument over something stupid. This time he was overtired and grouchy, and I took that to heart, and so we both said some mean things and had a fight. But that (kinda) got cleared up.

Today's a different story. I kind of had a feeling something was going on, and sure enough, he's thinking about dating some girl he knows, some girl that he sort of complains about intermittently. It's times like these that he expects me to take off my Crush hat, put on my Best Friend hat, and I don't know, be happy with the situation. I can't. And then, of course, instead of the "I miss yous" and "Come down and visit sooner than September", it's suddenly changed to "You expect too much from me" and "We're just friends". I know that I'm oversensitive sometimes, but seriously. I feel like M is okay with seeing where things go between us until, I don't know, he gets sick of it and decides to date someone closer in proximity to him. And for some reason, he doesn't think that he acts totally up and down with me. Sure, I'm sure I may be taking SOME things close to heart, but let me give you an example.

On Saturday, he called from a housewarming party. Sure, he had had a few drinks, but some say that the truth comes out when that happens. Anyway, even though I told him multiple times I could let him off the phone and enjoy the party, he insisted that he wanted to talk to me. I was upset about Nate and some other girl at the time, and he told me that Nate was an idiot, and no use being upset over, and that I was wonderful. He also said, "Whether I'm in your life as your boyfriend, or husband, or best friend, hopefully I'll be in it for a long time." Sure, fine, maybe it's a nice thing to say. But do you see how things like this can have me flying high? And then, yesterday, just two short days later, he tells me that I have "unreal expectations" of him. That's usually what happens when something's going on, so of course I find out today that he's been thinking about dating someone. Argh.

Do I even want someone that can make me feel so useless sometimes? Seriously, it's a damn shame sometimes that he and I have got such a connection. It'd be a whole lot easier if he was some big idiot, because then if this happened I wouldn't be so upset by it. But I guess if he were a so-called big idiot I wouldn't have had this connection with him in the first place.

It's so dumb. If I were there, physically, in Kansas (God forbid, haha), I think things would be totally different. I feel like I'm always at a disadvantage because I live far away. That's not my fault, but it's not his either. It just isn't fair, but I guess, what is? I always feel this way about Neil and Sean and Nick and the rest of them up there too...that we can't be as close as the friends they have there because I'm so damn far away. I try so much to maintain as close a bond as possible, hell, I even dropped how much money to go visit them, but it's hard. Speaking of which, thank the world for Dyl. What would I do without him, being there, understanding what I'm talking about without me even saying it? He's just so tuned in to what I'm thinking. And even though he is a man (:-P) he always knows the right thing to say. Last night I said, "I think he's too good looking for me." And what does Dylan say? "No one is too good looking for my Beth." <3

Why are people so damn afraid of what's "hard"? If something's so easy to get it probably isn't worth it. Right now I just feel really dejected, and rejected, and objected to. Ha, I'm good with words. But seriously, I know this will probably pass, but it has hung with me all day, a tiny little dark cloud in the background, even as I spent some wonderful with my three little monkeys. It didn't ruin my life, or even my day, I don't think much could. But still, I don't like the feeling. I've always felt that M is kind of my vacation from things because it's been such a joy to talk to him. But where is that joy now? Where did it go somewhere during the last 48 hours? I don't know, but I want it back. And I think it's BOTH of our faults that said joy has gone into hiding for a little while. I hope it comes back, peeping its head out of the closet, and that we can coax it back out and give it a hug and never let it go.

I told him today that if he had a girlfriend in September I wasn't going to visit. I know that's unfair, but God, I was hurt. I probably still will go. I don't know what's going to happen with me, or with him, or with anything else, really. It's just hard to have to play two roles. I wish I could just play one, the best friend role, but like he would say I have VISCERAL reactions to things and there's nothing I can do about those.

I guess I wish I didn't always feel like the backup. I love being one of the guys usually, I love shooting the shit about wrestling and football, but when this happens, I hate being the buddy. It makes me feel ugly and undesirable, to be completely honest. Call that a typical female reaction if you will, but it is what it is. And in all honesty, I'm too good for it. I know M cares about me, under it all I know he does, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it at all. It seems like I'm good enough when there's nobody else in the picture; that he wants to see what's going to happen, but then all of a sudden...I'm back on the bench. It just sucks.

I guess I wouldn't care so much if he wasn't such a great person, and if I wasn't such a great person, and if I didn't think we'd be so great together...

What the hell do I know, anyway?