The Controller Checklist

This is unpleasant to write, not only because I don't like to drudge up old memories, but also because I feel so stupid for falling for this shit in the first place. But I was at work tonight, and I was remembering all of these little subtle controlling things that Matt used to pull on me, and I wanted to chronicle them.

Anyway, this is for myself, so I can reference it if I ever need to, and for anyone else I know that comes up in the future who has these problems with a crazy controlling man. At first, these things seem harmless, even a little sweet, like he's trying to "take care of you", but it soon becomes obvious that it's all about CONTROL.

1. Eating Habits

Believe it or not, he had a SERIOUS obsession with what I ate. If I didn't have fruits and vegetables every day, I was in trouble. If I went to a fast food restaurant, he would ask what I was getting and even suggest getting something else.

2. Sleeping Habits

Before he even moved here, when we lived over six hundred miles apart, Matt would tell me that I should start getting up early, whether I had to or not, in order to be able to be available for him and work around his hours.

3. Friends

I "had to" get rid of a couple male friends of mine, even though they lived pretty far away, because Matt wasn't "comfortable" with them.

4. Physically Forceful

Even though he never hurt me like that before that night, he was always rough when he would try to give me a hug, or sometimes, he would pull me down onto the couch next to him because he wanted me to sit there, whether I wanted to or not. It didn't matter if I wanted a backrub or not, when he decided he was going to give me one, he would MAKE ME lay down and have a backrub. When it happens like that, it's not soothing or sweet, it's scary. It's controlling.

5. Telling Me How To Dress

Anyone who knows me know I like to be comfortable. At first, Matt said he liked who I was and how I was, but slowly that began to change. He would tell me he would rather I wear jeans, even if I was lounging around at home all day long, rather than sweatpants. He could never really give me a good reason why, except that I should wear jeans because he preferred it. Yeah, right.

6. Birth Control

Firstly, I didn't want to go on birth control. I hadn't been on it in the past, other forms of protection were used, but he refused this and said I should go on birth control. ("Should" is a common word these controlling people use.) Then, when I agreed to go on it and picked the method I wanted, he wanted me to use an interuterine device (IUD) instead of what I chose. I repeatedly said no, and he continued to suggest this. Luckily, I never listened.





These are just the things I thought of tonight while I was at work, and I'm sure there are more. I just think it's so creepy now how I looked past these things...

Luckily, I'm in love with someone who would never, EVER try ANYTHING like this. <3